Who Ate All The Bratwurst

Meet the Pundits: Leonardo, BBC

The BBC has certainly upped the eye candy in its World Cup studio – Leonardo, a World Cup-winner with Brazil in 1994, is just a little better-looking than Gordon Strachan. Hell, he even makes Lineker and Hansen look ugly. But can the Brazilian cut it as a pundit? Click below for more…

Meet the Pundits: Leonardo, BBC cont…

Name: Leonardo Nascimento de Araujo. But you can call him 'Leo'. Gary Lineker does. In fact, I think Lineker has a crush on him.

Age: 36

Works for: BBC Sport, as a pundit/analyst

Why he got the job: I guess because the Beeb wanted a handsome, articulate Brazilian with a World Cup-winning pedigree. Leonardo was part of Brazil's winning squad in 1994. He has also captained Brazilian national team.

Strengths:
•Looks the part. Probably the best-looking, most stylish pundit the Beeb has ever had.
•Can't argue with his footballing pedigree.
•Magnificent feathered hair.

Weaknesses:
•His English is pretty good (better than my Portuguese anyway) but it's hard to be witty and incisive in a second language.
•The BBC don't help him by sitting him between Alan Shearer (thick Geordie accent) and Alan Hansen (thick Scottish accent). Ray Stubbs and Gordon Strachan aren't easy to understand, either. Leonardo is often forced to laugh along with the Brits, when he clearly has no fricking idea what's just been said. Poor bloke.
•He comes across as a little bit, well… dull.

Most likely to say: 'Ronaldo is a big, big reference for Brazil…'

Pundit rating: Typifies the BBC's coverage: more style than substance. Seems like a nice bloke though 6/10

Meet the Pundits: Terry Venables, ITV

Ah, let's hear it for El Tel, Mr Saturday Night, the Dean Martin of football pundits. The boy could play a bit and was a decent manager too. He's not bad at crooning and nightclub-owning, either. But how does Venables measure up as a World Cup pundit? Click below to find out…

Meet the Pundits: Terry Venables, ITV cont…

Name: Terry 'El Tel' Venables

Age: 63

Works for: ITV Sport, as a half-time analyst

Why he got the job: Off the back of a successful stint managing the England national team in the 1990s. Terry always had the permatan needed for TV, so it was a natural move.

Strengths:
•Knows the game. Might not be the most articulate pundit, but you can't argue with his footballing pedigree (capped by England at all levels, managed Barcelona, opened Scribes West nightclub in Kensington)
•El Tel is a genial, likeable fella. in other words, he doesn't get on my tits.
•An awesome dirty laugh, reminiscent of Sid James.

Weaknesses:
•Gets over-emotional and has a tendency to spout nonsense when animated, although not as bad as Ian Wright. Could have sworn he was acting a bit 'tipsy' when he did the Champions League final with Gabby Logan (of course, I'd never doubt his professionalism).
•Might break into a Frank Sinatra song at any moment. Keep your finger on the remote control's mute button and you'll be fine.

Most likely to say: 'If your name's not down, you're not coming in…'

Pundit rating: Most England football fans have a big soft spot for El Tel and I'm no different. He knows the game inside out and usually has something half-interesting to say 7/10

Meet the Pundits: Anchorman ITV spoof

If you've seen the movie Anchorman, then you'll find this spoof poster, featuring ITV's abject array of World Cup pundits, very funny. Andy Townsend's porn moustache is particularly amusing. Even if you haven't, it's still very funny. Guardian Unlimited's World Cup microsite has more footie pundit-inspired artwork (thank God for Photoshop). Check it out – it's worth five minutes of anyone's time.

Meet the Pundits: Ian Wright, BBC

Pundits play a major part in your enjoyment of the World Cup. Good ones enhance the viewing experience; bad ones make you want to lob your television through the nearest window. Over the coming weeks, Bratwurst will be profiling the key World Cup pundits & commentators, and of course keeping a close eye on their f**k-ups/gaffes/triumphs during the tournament. We begin – how could we not, given that he's fast become the most talked-about pundit in the UK? – with the BBC's Ian Wright Wright Wright…

Meet the Pundits: Ian Wright, BBC cont…

Name: Ian 'Wright Wright 'Wright

Age: 42 (looks in good nick for it, too)

Works for: The BBC, as a half-time analyst

Why he got the job: The Beeb's football wing only seems to employ ex-superstars these days (Lineker, Shearer etc.) and Wrighty is certainly that – an Arsenal legend and one of the Premiership's greatest goalscorers.

Strengths:
•Natty dress sense. Turned up to the Jamaica v England friendly wearing a white jacket, jeans and white, box-fresh trainers. Makes a colourful change from Alan Hansen's funereal taste in suits.
•Speaks his mind. TV companies want their pundits to stir the pot and Wrighty certainly does that - said that it was OK for Steven Gerrard to dive to win a penalty against Jamaica, 'cause other countries do it to us.

Weaknesses:
•Sulks like a big baby if England don't play well – witness his ubersulk when Northern Ireland beat England in World Cup qualifying. Pathetic.
•Dodgy command of the English language. Said he was 'chillin' in' the other day. Surely you mean 'chillin' out', Wrighty? Frequently makes no sense at all
•Punctuality – he arrived late for the Jamaica friendly, for gawd's sake. School swot Mark 'Lawro' Lawrenson would never do that.

Most likely to say: 'Nah, Sven's an idiot, man. He should have picked Sean [Wright-Phillips, Wright's stepson]… I'm just depressed now…'

Pundit rating: Most England fans I know can't stomach Ian Wright (or as some people call him, Ian Wrong). He's opinionated, yes, but his knee-jerk opinions often make little sense. He's also inarticulate and wears his heart on his Versace sleeve way too much. Must try harder, see me after school etc etc. 3/10