Who Ate All The Bratwurst

In another life... Joachim Low

In another life, Germany's brand spanking new manager Joachim Low would be a Just For Men model. There is no way his hair is naturally that colour! If Jurgen Klinsmann's former assistant is not displaying some grey hairs after a couple more games in charge of Germany then we will know for certain that something is amiss. Having said that, 13-0 victories over San Marino are unlikely to have Low reaching for the dye again just yet.

[Rob Parker]

In another life... Ze Roberto

In another life, Brazil's surprise World Cup star Ze Roberto would be smooth-voiced soul singer John Legend. The American pianist is used to performing to large audiences, while Ze Roberto was just about the only Brazilian player to perform on football's biggest stage.

Rob Parker

In another life... Raymond Domenech

In another life, France coach Raymond Domenech - the only World Cup coach less inspirational than Sven Goran Eriksson - would be dodgy-tickered chat show host and former drag queen comedian Paul O' Grady.

Rob Parker

In another life... Deco

As spotted by The Guardian, in another life, suspended Portugal midfielder Deco would be Pille the ball, the accomplice to official World Cup mascot Goleo VI. I'm not sure who has the rounder head, but I am certain neither of them will be playing against England on Saturday.

Rob Parker

In another life... the England team to face Portugal

Bratwurst gives you the lowdown on the England team that could be facing Portugal on Saturday in a parallel universe where potential has been fulfilled, injuries have been avoided and the right transfer moves have been made.

Goalkeeper

Carlo Cudicini - Was rumoured to be in line for a call-up in 2004 when he became eligible for British citizenship, but that never materialised. Would certainly have made this World Cup squad ahead of Scott Carson.

Defenders

Steven Gerrard - Arguably the best right-back in England, but also happens to be the best midfielder too. Broke into the Liverpool team as a full-back and could easily have stayed there he was so impressive.

Titus Bramble - Once one of England's finest young centre-backs, but now one half of slapstick duo Bramble & Boumsong. His regular errors are now a standing joke, which doesn't do his confidence any good, which leads to errors, which...

Wes Brown - Wes Brown has never been the same player since returning from a cruciate ligament injury. If he had not picked up the injury it is hard to imagine him not being an England regular by now rather than the nine caps he has picked up.

Phil Neville - It is often argued that you stand more chance of being picked for England as a Manchester United reserve than in the first team of many other Premiership clubs. Phil Neville is a case in point, although playing in midfield for Everton where he faces stiffer competition hasn't helped.

Midfielders

Jermaine Pennant - Aaron Lennon shouldn't really have had a sniff of an England call-up. Jermaine Pennant should have cemented his spot as a replacement for Beckham years ago. Sadly has gone off the rails, but was one of Birmingham's best players last season and is now being linked with a move to Liverpool.

Nicky Butt (c) - Another player who fared better as a Manchester United bench-warmer. Injuries and a failed move to Newcastle United lost him the momentum gained with an excellent World Cup in 2002.

Seth Johnson - Johnson appears destined to be a one cap wonder despite his early promise. Tipped to follow David Platt off Crewe Alexandra's production line and into the England midfield, he has suffered from injuries and loss of form. At the start of this season Leeds United wrote off their £7 million transfer fee and let Johnson re-join Derby County for free.

Matthew Etherington - First got noticed as a 15-year-old on trial with Manchester United when Sir Alex Ferguson named him as the stand-out player in a match with Boca Juniors's youth side. He joined Tottenham instead, but is now beginning to reach his potential with West Ham.

Strikers

Francis Jeffers - Before Rooney, the Everton youngster everybody was talking about was Francis Jeffers. Has an England record of one cap, one goal, but has failed to make his mark at Arsenal, Charlton and Rangers. Has gone off the boil more times than your kettle.

Danny Cadamarteri - Before Francis Jeffers, the Everton youngster everybody was talking about was Danny Cadamarteri! Announced his arrival as a 17-year-old with the winning goal in the Merseyside derby and a couple of other important goals. Sadly it has been downhill from there. Now a bit of a journeyman around his native Yorkshire.

Rob Parker

In another life... Philip Cocu, Holland

In another life, Holland's veteran midfielder Philip Cocu would be a pixie (or is that this life?). With his prominent, upturned nose and sticky out ears Cocu is the perfect pixie. He will be hoping for a bit of magic against Portugal tomorrow.

Rob Parker

In another life… Zeljko Kalac

In another life… Zeljko Kalac would be an international-class goalkeeper. Unfortunately for Australia, in this life he's a massive clown with butter for hands and no goalkeeping skills to speak of. God knows what Mark Schwarzer was thinking as he sat on the subs' bench last night.

One thing is certain… I know who Guus Hiddink will pick in goal against Italy. And his name's not Zeljko Kalac.

In another life... Clint Dempsey

In another life, creepy US midfielder Clint Dempsey would be creepy US magician David Blaine. Two defeats, a draw and a group stage exit for the 2002 quarter-finalists and fifth-best team in the world (© FIFA) is enough to make anyone want to live underwater for a week.

Rob Parker

In another life: Carlos Tevez

In another life, Carlos Tevez would be the lead singer for the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. And Anthony Kiedis would be a hotshot Argentine striker, forced to play up front on his own: 'Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner…'

In another life: Zinha and Gerardo Terrado

In another life Mexico pair Zinha and Gerardo Terrado would be singing duo Simon and Garfunkel, oblivious to the World Cup as they tour America on one last comeback tour. If Mexico fail to beat Portugal they could both be in need of A Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

Rob Parker

In another life: Franz Beckenbauer

In another life, Franz Beckenbauer would be a spectacularly difficult-to-kill Die Hard villain. He'd be quietly spoken but ruthless as hell behind those tinted spectacles – as ruthless as you'd expect of a man who was thrown out of the German secret service for insubordination. Or something like that.

Yippee-ki-ay motherf**ker!

In another life... Franck Ribery would be an evil James Bond villain

We have already established that Andriy Shevchenko would make an excellent Bond villain's henchman, so who better to be the man he would call 'Boss' than France's Franck Ribery. The scar-faced Marseille winger would make a terrific Bond villain in the mould of Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

Ribery picked up the obligatory Bond villain scars from a childhood car accident. Now all he needs is a white cat to stroke. Expect him to establish himself on the word stage in Germany. In fact, I might just have hatched a plan to do a Bratwurst Player To Watch profile on Ribery (evil laugh to fade).

Rob Parker

Coming Soon, the Robot World Cup

'Fancy playin' headers and volleys?'
'Aff-irm-ative'
This could well be a conversation at the imminent sideshow to the World Cup, the RoboCup. It seems that people have spent millions of quids on developing humanoid robots to get 'em playing footy! The aim of the tournament, also to be held in Germany this summer, is to 'foster AI and intelligent robotics research by providing a standard problem where wide range of technologies can be integrated and examined', and ultimately 'by 2050, develop a team of fully autonomous humanoid robots that can win against the human world champion team in soccer.' Jesus. What has Crouchie started? [Mof Gimmers]

Ludovic Giuly the new Steve Irwin?

With Ludovic Giuly not going to the World Cup this summer, it outlines two things. Firstly, the embarrassment of riches in the French ranks, and secondly, Giuly's desire to become the new Steve Irwin. This week, when Ludo was asked about his summer, he replied 'I am off to Australia for a month. I will do some canoeing among crocodiles, kangaroos and penguins.' Imagine all those floating downstream at you… Mof Gimmers

Steve McClaren needs moisturiser

In another life, Steve McClaren might have been a cheery National Express coach driver (although here he looks ticked off, probably because he's waiting for a couple of stragglers to board the coach after a service-station piss break.

Whilst I'm on the subject of the ruddy Boro boss, here's a shocking fact of the day:

Steve McClaren (44) is three years younger than Madonna (47). Go figure.

In another life... these players wouldn't be so awful

[mofgimmers]

In another life...

... Zinedine Zidane would be a monk, shunning his skill on the football pitch for a life of solitude, prayer and quiet contemplation.  Fortunately he decided to become a footballer but retained the monk hairstyle.

Rob Parker

Chrissy Waddle - Genius

Too much has been made of Chris Waddle's mullet in recent years.

Of course, there is no question that Waddle is the Godfather of the British Horror Hair, maybe along with Phil Thompson's perm, and who could forget his foray into the pop charts with Mr Hoddle to perform Diamond Lights.

That said, everyone forgets just how brilliant Chris Waddle was to watch.

Honestly, Chris Waddle was lethargic, gangly, incredibly talented, and infuriating to watch. He had a rubbish hair cut, and more importantly, played with a great big smile on his face.

A true English winger in the mould of Charlie George and the horrible Rodney Marsh.

Too often, people recall his penalty miss against the West German side that won the World Cup in 1990, but by friggin' Christ, he was thrilling to gawp at.

It seems that us Englishmen have forgotten all about him, and had to rely on our French cousins to bring us this fabulous clip from his time at Marseille to remind us what a joy he was.

Jinking runs, bamboozling full back, back heeled finishes and taking the mickey... enjoying himself! Who would have thought it possible? A player? Smiling? On the pitch?

Move over Beckham, it's Chris' time to shine.

In another life…

… France's maverick goalkeeper Fabien Barthez would have been a pretentious clown; by pretentious, I mean one of those postmodern, Cirque du Soleil clowns who go in for a bit of mime, rather than the more traditional big-shoes-and-a-silly-car clown.

Bald loon.

In another life...

...Italy's tough-tackling whinge-bag Gennaro Gattuso could have taken on the role of Captain Hook in Disney's Peter Pan.  Anyone fancy making 'Gathooko' walk the plank?

In another life…

… Ronaldinho could have made his name as a stunt double for the least-loved Star Wars character of all time (that's Jar-Jar 'me so horny' Binks, by the way). Thankfully, he didn't, instead choosing to make a living as the world's greatest footballer. Wise choice, Ron.

Beckham gets the runaround from Scooby Doo

In another life, David Beckham was a dog. A dog called Scooby Doo. Really he was. In a faintly worrying twist, Scoobs was also David Beckham. And a ghostly knight. All a bit confusing? Well, YouTube have the evidence right here which will show the Golden Bollocks sporting many disguises and hanging aroung with the lovely Daphne and her detective pals. Remember, impossible is nothing... especially if you're multi-millionaire footballer who plays for Real Madrid.

Mof Gimmers

In another life…

… Andriy Shevchenko would have been a Bond villain's cold-blooded henchman. I see Andriy clad in a black poloneck sweater, showing no emotion as he's ordered to take out 007 by a scar-faced man with a love of cats. Is it just me?

In another life…

… Pavel Nedved, the Czech Republic's greatest left-footer, would be a cuddly children's telly presenter, probably presenting the Czech equivalent of Rainbow. And maybe David James could play Bungle? Ooh, Zippy.

In another life…

… John Terry would have been a Foxtons estate agent, tearing around London in his Foxtons Mini, with his Foxtons haircut (the Foxtons fin) and River Island shirt/tie combo. He'd always be late for appointments and then not have the right keys to get in, but he wouldn't apologise, because somehow it's not his fault. God loves you, JT.