Who Ate All The Bratwurst

Darren Bent takes place of Andrew Johnson in England squad

Andrew Johnson is out of the England squad (again) and Darren Bent is set to take his place in the squad... and presumably, it's Bent's form from last season that has influenced the decision.

[Mof Gimmers]

England squad announced: Scott Parker is called up and Wayne Rooney returns

England manager Steve McClaren has announced his squad for the forthcoming Euro 2008 qualifiers against Macedonia and Croatia. The only surprise - although it had been widely touted anyway - is a recall for Newcastle captain Scott Parker after a two-and-a-half year absence from the England setup.

There was no recall for David Beckham and Middlesbrough's Jonathan Woodgate also missed out. Aaron Lennon and Joe Cole are both injured, while Darren Bent drops down to the England Under 21s. Click below to read the full squad.

England squad announced: Scott Parker is called up and Wayne Rooney returns continued

Robinson (Tottenham), Foster (Man Utd), Kirkland (Liverpool); G Neville (Man Utd), P Neville (Everton), Brown (Man Utd), Terry (Chelsea), Ferdinand (Man Utd), Carragher (Liverpool), King (Tottenham), A Cole (Chelsea), Bridge (Chelsea); Lampard (Chelsea), Gerrard (Liverpool), Jenas (Tottenham), Carrick (Man Utd), Richardson (Man Utd), Downing (Middlesbrough), Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), Parker (Newcastle), Rooney (Man Utd), Crouch (Liverpool), Johnson (Everton), Defoe (Spurs)

[Rob Parker]

Highlights of England versus Germany, 1966

With the England side being a bit crap for years, lets remind ourselves of our most famous victory.

[Mof Gimmers]

Steve McClaren will shun Beckham in favour of Paul Scholes and/or Jermaine Pennant

The England rumour mill rumbles on. It seems a David Beckham recall would be too big a U-turn for Steve McClaren at this stage. Even the papers that were heralding Beckham's return over the weekend are now not so sure, which would suggest McClaren's PR team are putting word around that it's not going to happen.

Instead Macca is set to call-up Jermaine Pennant to replace the injured Aaron Lennon, and is also desperate to coax the in-form Paul Scholes out of international retirement (although that doesn't really tally with his supposed plans to build for the future). Beckham was on the scoresheet for Real Madrid yesterday though, which can't have done his chances any harm. Watch his goal below.

[Rob Parker]

Owen Hargreaves breaks his leg. Will Beckham return?

Well, that's thrown a spanner in the works. England's midfield is finally looking well-balanced... and Owen Hargreaves - the man holding it all together - breaks his leg. The 25-year-old Bayern Munich player has broken the fibula in his left leg.

The Sunday Mirror is reporting that David Beckham will make a dramatic return to the England squad, with William Hill slashing odds of a Beckham recall to 3/1. I would prefer to see a similar shape to the midfield with Scott Parker or Michael Carrick taking over for Hargreaves. Feel free to leave your own thoughts by adding a comment.

[Rob Parker]

Bobby Robson 'getting better' after brain surgery

Bobby Robson, former England manager and all round good chap, has spoken after he underwent brain surgery 3 weeks ago to remove a brain tumour. Robson says he is getting "better every day".

"I'm making progress and recuperating well," the 73-year-old told www.nobok.co.uk. "The chances are I will need to be in hospital for another two to three weeks but that is up to the specialist looking after me to decide. I'm on the mend. Every day is a better day and I'm getting more movement." Great news for all football fans.

[Mof Gimmers]

Macedonia goal against England

So England are to face Macedonia on Wednesday and what do we have to look forward to?

Please God, Noooo!

Mof Gimmers

Brian Barwick says Wembley - Not His Fault!

Football Association chief executive Brian Barwick says that they are not to blame for the delay over the new Wembley stadium. The stadium was supposed to open this year... but it now looks like it'll just be ready for when the four horsemen of the apocolypse come.

"I understand we are open to some degree of criticism, I would say misplaced criticism. We are waiting for the builders to hand over the keys - we're not building the stadium, Multiplex is." And we wonder why we never get to host the World Cup?

Mof Gimmers

Bullard for Germany

Our excellent (even if we do say so ourselves) sister site Who Ate All The Pies has started a campaign to get Jimmy Bullard's lovely locks flowing through the England midfield. Here at Bratwurst we also believe that Jimmy could teach those pesky Andorrans a thing or two about football. Sadly, we might see Bullard in a Germany shirt rather than wearing the Three Lions, especially if Carlton Palmer has his way.

Bullard for Germany continued

Before the World Cup, Bullard was pimping himself around telling anyone who would listen about his German grandmother. Jurgen Klinsmann resisted any temptation to call-up our Jimmy, but Carlton Palmer now seems to have launched a campaign of his own to drive Bullard out of the country.

On Saturday's BBC Score Interactive - while Ray Stubbs et al were raving about Bullard - Carlton managed to not only let slip that Bullard's move to Fulham was motivated purely by money, but also revealed that Bullard had made a move "on me missus" in a Manchester nightclub! It's hopeless, Carlton. No woman can resist the Bullard charm!

Rob

Rob

Steve McClaren announces England squad for Euro 2008 qualifiers

England coach Steve McClaren has announced his squad for the Euro 2008 qualifiers against Andorra and Macedonia. There are no big surprises in the squad. Everton striker Andy Johnson has been called up, although that only make him seventh choice striker.

I am sure Johnson can do a job against the likes of Andorra, but I don't think he is an international standard striker. McClaren couldn't play him with Jermain Defoe or Michael Owen (if he ever gets fit again) because they are all too similar and lack inches. I would have preferred to see Marlon Harewood given a chance. Click here to see the full squad.

Rob

Tennis star Andy Murray urged to do the Crouch

England's goalscoring beanpole Peter Crouch could be the inspiration for tennis star Andy Murray at the US Open, according to his American coach. Brad Gilbert has told Murray to introduce the RoboCrouch as his new celebration.

Gilbert said: "I’m getting more into soccer and I love that Peter Crouch, he’s my favourite, he’s an awesome guy. I said to Andy he ought to try that robot dance when he wins a match. He thinks I’m losing it." The idea might not be taken on board by the Scottish tennis player who was reportedly seen in a Paraguay shirt shortly before England's World Cup opener. [Via The Sun]

Rob

Rooney slammed by Alan Ball

World Cup winner and owner of the squeakiest voice in football, Alan Ball isn't praising Wayne Rooney very highly (*groan* sorry). Rooney has apparently threatened to pull out of all commercial duties for the England side after the FA failed to turn over his 3-game ban.

Ball said "I'm disappointed in his agent and by Rooney for taking on the FA. How much power do players want? He should accept his punishment, grow up and become a great player."

Rooney and Manchester United team-mate Paul Scholes were sent off in a pre-season friendly against Porto and handed suspensions.

"I was sent off nine times and deserved it," Ball told www.nobok.co.uk. "But I finished off a miles better player by taking my punishment. He has to accept that you have to grow up to become a top football player - and he will do if he takes his punishment on the chin... But he won't if he thinks that he can come out and make statements to the FA."

Rooney was said to be so "devastated" after the appeal loss that he sanctioned Stretford's letter to FA chief executive Brian Barwick late last week. Rooney is now reportedly waiting for an official response before deciding his next move. Spoiled brat anyone?

Mof Gimmers

Horror Hair: The Wes Brown / Rio Ferdinand braid timeshare

No sooner has Rio Ferdinand got rid of his braids (much to Bratwurst's approval) than they show up on the head of England and Manchester United team-mate Wes Brown. And Rio is now sporting Brown's no-nonsense close crop, which makes you wonder if there is some kind of hair timeshare or rotation system going on in the England dressing room. Next we might see Joe Cole's mop on Paul Robinson, or Frank Lampard's thinning baby orangutan hair on Ashley Cole.

Rob

Who Are Ya: Owen Hargreaves

After years of the poor lad taking stick, Owen Hargreaves is now flavour of the month for England fans. But compared to most England players, we know very little about our cosmopolitan new midfield star. That might change if he completes a move to Manchester United today, but it the meantime there is always the Official Owen Hargreaves website.

Did you know, for example, that his favourite music group is Boyz II Men (pictured, right) and that his favourite film is Good Will Hunting? And England's new number 7 has certainly been practising his headshots (above) to make sure they match up to those of the old number 7!

Rob

Chris Kirkland makes his Dad rich

Chris Kirkland's dad must have a terrible hangover this morning. Why? Well, 12 years ago, he put a bet on his son to play for England. Last night, Kirkland's second half appearance earned his pappy something close to £10,000.

Eddie Kirkland put on a bet 12 years ago that his son would win an England cap before turning 30. "A few years ago I was confident that my son would play for England and he has done it tonight - fantastic," Mr Kirkland said. "He was 14 or 15 at the time and my family, friends and work colleagues put a bet of £100 at 100 to one and it has come good tonight". Proud and a great deal richer! Hurray for Eddie!

Mof Gimmers 

10 Conclusions: England v Greece

1 It's great to see an England side without Sven Goran Eriksson in charge.

2 Steve McClaren's tactical flexibility was reassuring. Now we (and the players) know that just because we start a game 4-4-2, it doesn't mean we have to finish it that way.

3 The second half was a little too reminiscent of a Sven side sitting back on their lead, but we'll put that down to the time of the season.

10 Conclusions: England v Greece continued

4 Worryingly, if Steve McClaren got rid of his island of quiffed hair (which he should) he would look like a ginger Sven.

5 What a start to his captaincy for John Terry (as predicted by our sister site Who Ate All The Pies).

6 Mark Lawrenson retains his ambition to become a Chuckle Brother as well as co-commentator. Exchange of the evening:
Jonathan Pearce: He was training in black stockings last night.
Mark Lawrenson: Not just black stockings I hope!

7 England looked slick, more comfortable on the ball and more willing to venture forward.

8 Rio Ferdinand looks much better with those horrible braids shaved off.

9 Owen Hargreaves has confirmed himself as an England starter with another great performance.

10 Peter Crouch is a legend. He could have scored three or four, is infuriating at times, but he is a likeable guy and you can't argue with his record of 10 goals in 12 games.

Rob

Wembley delays now a viral joke as well as a standing joke

Rob

ENGLAND UPDATE: Dean Ashton out with broken ankle and McClaren names team

Dean Ashton has been ruled out of England's match against Greece after breaking his ankle in training. The West Ham striker was set for a starting place, but will now be on the sidelines for the start of the Premier League season.

Meanwhile, Steve McClaren has announced tomorrow's starting line-up and has not had the nerve to leave Frank Lampard out of the team. Instead Steven Gerrard will play on the right of midfield leaving Aaron Lennon and Shaun Wright Phillips on the bench. Click here to read the full team or here to pick your own line-up.

Rob

The Bratwurst pickle: How should England start against Greece tomorrow?

A new era for England, building for the future etc. etc. Regardless of any masterplan to step out of Sven's shadow and build a team for South Africa 2010, Steve McClaren will be judged on results alone. He will be looking to get off to a winning start against Greece tomorrow. Click below to see the Bratwurst XI - our preferred starting line-up from the squad McClaren has picked.

The Bratwurst pickle: How should England start against Greece tomorrow? continued

GK Paul Robinson - had a dodgy World Cup but is still the best keeper available.

DR Gary Neville - as we pointed out yesterday, replacing him will be a real worry.
DC Rio Ferdinand - solid in Germany and getting close to his best.
DC John Terry (c) - another of England's better World Cup performers and a great skipper.
DL Ashley Cole - lacked sharpness in Germany, but Wayne Bridge was equally rusty.

MR Aaron Lennon - one of the few World Cup success stories.
DM Owen Hargreaves - another World Cup success story. Offers something different to the Gerrard/Lampard riddle.
MC Steven Gerrard - underperformed in Germany, but would be able to play his natural game without the out of form Lampard.
ML Stewart Downing - gets the nod over Richardson on the basis of his delivery.

FC Dean Ashton - was impressive at Norwich and now West Ham. Give him a chance from the start.
FC Jermain Defoe - enjoying an excellent pre-season and has a point to prove.

Feel free to post your own starting XI as a comment below.

Rob

Watch Steve McClaren's first training session with England

England manager Steve McClaren has taken his first training session with his squad, although looking at the video footage it seems he was more concerned about having a kickabout himself! As is now the norm, the FA has made a video of the session available to view. The strong hints - from the video and other sources - are that Dean Ashton is being prepared for a starting role against Greece on Wednesday. Click here to watch the video.

If you want to go to the match, there are apparently more than 30,000 tickets still available. Click here for full details and pricing information.

Rob

10 Players to replace Grandad Gary Neville

Following Steve McClaren's mini-cull, Gary Neville must be feeling a bit twitchy as the only player in the England squad aged over 30. The right-back position could become England's new problem position, so we look at the possible candidates to take Neville's place for the 2010 World Cup.

10 Players to replace Grandad Gary Neville continued

1 Micah Richards (Manchester City)
The 18-year-old made a big impression at the end of last season, which has earnt him a call up to the under 21 squad. He has shown a bit of a prima donna streak when he was linked with a move to Tottenham earlier in the summer, but has now signed a new four-year deal with City. Could be fast-tracked to the full squad by McClaren to shadow Neville.

2 Owen Hargreaves (Bayern Munich)
A victim of his own versatility, Hargreaves is another candidate to take over at right-back. He performed the role without too many problems against Ecuador in the World Cup, but left no doubts as to his favoured position with an excellent performance against Portugal in the holding midfield role. Hargreaves is still only 25 and will be at his peak in 2010.

3 Jamie Carragher (Liverpool)
England's makeshift World Cup right-back has a three-year edge on Neville. He will still only be 32-years-old when the next World Cup comes round, which could convince McClaren to keep faith. He is solid defensively, but offers little going forwards.

4 Steven Taylor (Newcastle United)
Taylor broke into the Newcastle squad as a right-back and may have to do the same for England given some of the names ahead of him in the pecking order. A strong defender with an excellent recovery tackle.

5 Luke Young (Charlton Athletic)
One of Sven Goran Eriksson's favoured stand-in full-backs missed out on the World Cup through injury. He will be nearly 31 at South Africa 2010 and is in pole position having been named in Steve McClaren's first squad.

6 Glen Johnson (Portsmouth - on loan from Chelsea)
Johnson was once considered the shoo-in replacement for Neville, but has lost his way since moving to Stamford Bridge amid questions about his attitude. Regular first-team football at Portsmouth might get his career back on track and improve his England prospects.

7 Wes Brown (Manchester United)
The once dependent defender has never been the same since returning from a cruciate ligament injury. He is another defender who prefers to play at centre-back, but McClaren might have him pencilled in as a right back. He has been named in the squad to face Greece.

8 Phil Bardsley (Manchester United)
Neville's heir apparent at United is Phil Bardsley, so why not for England? He has always impressed in Neville's absence and - at 21 - is the right age for McClaren's building for the future manifesto.

9 Nicky Hunt (Bolton Wanderers)
The 22-year-old former under 21 international has become a regular in the Bolton side over the last three seasons. Last season was ruined by a spell out with a fractured leg.

10 Billy Jones (Crewe Alexandra)
England's former under 18 skipper models himself on Tony Adams, but can perform equally well at right-back or even in midfield. The youngster may have have to move off the Gresty Road production line sooner rather than later to give himself a chance of being in McClaren's thoughts.

Rob

A busy week for Steve McClaren, The Two Terrys and David Beckham

I'm back from my holiday, and it has been a busy week for England in my absence. Head coach Steve McClaren has picked John Terry as his captain and appointed Terry Venables as his assistant. And McClaren has seemingly ended David Beckham's international career, creating a bit of a messy situation. Whether leaving Beckham out is the right decision could be debated endlessly, but Bratwurst will look at all the possible scenarios and fallout.

A busy week for Steve McClaren, The Two Terrys and David Beckham continued

1 Probably the best way for Beckham to bow out gracefully would have been for McClaren to have had a quiet word before he stepped down as captain so that the sobbing speech could have been converted to an international retirement. Unfortunately, I think McClaren has used the situation as a post-Sven PR stunt.

2 McClaren need not have committed to a decision so early. Beckham is only just regaining fitness after his World Cup injury and could have been left out of the squad on fitness grounds. McClaren would still have had the chance to look at his younger players without creating too much controversy.

3 Beckham is certainly still one of the best 25 players in the country. On last season's form - which is all we can judge players on at the moment - Beckham would have to be ahead of Shaun Wright-Phillips to play on the right.

4 McClaren obviously wants to start building a side that will be together for the 2010 World Cup. That is a nice idea, but we have to qualify for Euro 2008 before that. Where do you go to if Aaron Lennon or Wright-Phillips are injured? There are not too many ahead of Beckham in the pecking order and McClaren could be forced into a U-turn.

5 It would have been easy for Beckham to make a knee-jerk retirement announcement, but in not doing so he has avoided looking like a spoilt kid and kept the pressure on McClaren.

Rob

The nation is split over choice of England captain

The armband for the England squad is seemingly turning into a two horse race between Steven Gerrard and John Terry. The BBC have conducted a poll with 'Englandfans', the official England Supporters Club, and John Terry gained 51% of the votes, Steven Gerrard polled 46%, Gary Neville got 2%, Frank Lampard was fourth with 1%, and David Beckham gained one vote.

Mof Gimmers 

Sammy Lee quits England post

One of my earliest memories of Sammy Lee is his ample girth emerging through the fog at Burnden Park whilst playing for Bolton Wanderers. Now, 'Little Sam' is set to spend more time around the Reebok after leaving his England post to become 'Big' Sam Allardyce full time assistant.

"I'm flattered to be considered for the full-time post but want to show my commitment to Bolton by declining," Lee told the Football Association website.

Mof Gimmers 

Ray Clemence kept on by McClaren

Ray Clemence, former Liverpool, Spurs and England goalkeeper and Easter Island statue has been kept on as the Goalkeeper Coach for the England national side.

McClaren is forming his own backroom team after taking over from Sven-Goran Eriksson and said: "Ray is a vital member of the coaching set-up. I was very keen to see him continue in his role."He is hugely respected by the players and his own experience of international football, both as a player and a coach, will be invaluable to me." Is it only me reading this as "I'm not really cut out for making radical decisions and keeping Sven's boys on... oh, Max Clifford says I'm bring out my memoirs... only in tomorrows Daily Star..."

Mof Gimmers 

Taylor's future as coach of U21s in the balance

Since Peter Taylor took over the reigns as Crystal Palace's manager, his future as coach of the England U21s has been in doubt.

Taylor, now in his second spell in cocahing the England youngsters, has been in charge since 2004. He said: "I think at the moment I'm going to take the next game against Moldova in Leicester on 15 August. I don't know any more than that at the moment - I'm seeing Steve on Wednesday so we'll talk about it then."

Mof Gimmers 

Bus driver Steve McClaren is taking us on an adventure

England manager and veteran National Express driver Steve McClaren has said his time in charge of the national team will be "a great challenge and a great adventure". McClaren officially started the job today. FA chief executive Brian Barwick gave him his tasks.

Amateur comedian Barwick said: "His first challenge was to find a coffee machine, his second challenge was to find my office and his third challenge - the real challenge - is to build an England team that we can all be proud of." Read more by clicking here.

Rob

Further delay for Wembley Stadium?

It's getting daft now. This country is getting famous for things that can't run on time. Our public transport. Paula Radcliffe's bladder. And Wembley Stadium. That's write, the big huge that is our national stadium is seemingly never going to finish. It was supposed to be done in September... but this looks unlikely. Are they making it out of butter or something? Does it keep melting in the sun? Anyway, Wembley National Stadium Limited said it did expect the £757m venue to be finished this year. Let's just hope it doesn't stink of piss like the old one.

Mof Gimmers 

Lampard: 'England needed Jermain Defoe'

If you were still wondering why England had under-performed at the World Cup, you can stop analysing the situation now. Frank Lampard has revealed that it was actually because they didn't have enough strikers in the squad. Phew! That's a weight off my mind, Frank.

Lampard: 'England needed Jermain Defoe' continued

Lampard has also criticised Sven Goran Eriksson for giving the squad days off and said that was the cause his lack of sharpness at the tournament. I know players take a lot of stick when they step out of line, but personally I would rather they had voiced their opinions before the tournament if they knew Eriksson was not the man for the job.

The players would not have even had to go public with their concerns. They could have gone to the FA who had plenty of chances to get rid of Sven without mutiny even being mentioned. It is too late now for the players to start staying what Sven did wrong.

Rob

Sven in talks with Aston Villa

Former England boss, Sven Goran Eriksson, one of the biggest jokes in football, is about to join another great big farce. Svennis is considering buying Aston Villa. Yep, you read that right. Buying. Villa. Athole Still, Sven's agent, held talks with Villa officials on Wednesday, after local businessman Michael Neville tabled a bid of about £64m for the Premiership outfit. Of course, Sven is only part of the consortium hoping to buy the club, but it chimes with the revelations that he would be interested in becoming the Villa manager, as told to a tabloid newspaper's fake sheik. Watch this daft space.

Mof Gimmers 

England to host the 2018 World Cup?

England, reckons Richard 'blind optimist' Carbon, has a "very good chance" of bidding for the 2018 World Cup, presuming that Wembley Stadium will be finished by then.

Caborn told PA Sport's Football Insider "I think the way we're approaching this, I think that we obviously think there would be a very good chance of bidding for the World Cup. Obviously as a Sports Minister I'd be disappointed if we didn't because I'd be at the forefront of pushing it, as I was with the Olympics. Like we did with the Olympics, we want to be absolutely sure what we are doing is based on robust figures, and our approach is right.

He added "I think we made many mistakes in (bidding for) 2006; there were some tough lessons, and if you don't learn from tough lessons then you're a bit of an idiot". Don't hold your breath.

Mof Gimmers 

England versus Greece tickets announced

Macca's term is upon us. We're about to take on a decidedly dodgy Greek outfit at Old Trafford (remember what happened there last time we took 'em on?) and the FA have announced the details of tickets and prices and the like. This may well be exactly like watching Sven's squad, but with Stuart Downing getting more of a chance, but you never know, old Stevie boy might surprise us. Be warned, it's a strict 4 tickets per person, and the game is on August 16th, kick off at 8pm.

Ticket Prices: £25 (Members £20), Family Enclosure - £25 for adults, £12.50 for children (Under 16) (£20 members £10 Junior members), disabled supporters - £25 (Members £20) englandfans members sale: Friday 14 July, 2006 from 10am

Hotline: 0871 984 2008
Website: www.thefa.com

Public sale: Tuesday 18 July, 2006 from 10am
Hotline: 0870 902 0005
Website: www.thefa.com

Disabled supporters: Thursday 13 July, 2006 from 10am (members) / Wednesday 19th July, 2006 from 10am (public)
Hotline: 0845 458 1966

Greek Supporters: On sale on Tuesday 18 July 2006 from 10am
Hotline: 0871 230 9847
Website: www.thefa.com

The Women's England team squad announced

So, with the World Cup over, and everyone is clutching at straws for some football action, I've found myself contemplating watching some Women's football. Hope Powell (just about the only name I know in Ladies Footy) has announced a 28...er... man squad for the upcoming qualifiers for the Women's World Cup.

Let's hope that they can perform a bit better than our spoiled bunch of jessies in the blokes squad eh?

Rachel Brown (Everton), Siobhan Chamberlain (Bristol Academy), Jo Fletcher (Birmingham City)

Laura Bassett (Birmingham City), Michelle Hickmott (Charlton Athletic), Lindsay Johnson (Everton), Mary Phillip (Arsenal), Casey Stoney (Charlton Athletic), Rachel Unitt (Everton), Faye White (Arsenal)

Anita Asante (Arsenal), Katie Chapman (Charlton Athletic), Vicky Exley (Doncaster Rovers Belles), Katie Holtham (Bristol Academy), Kelly McDougall (Everton), Jill Scott (Sunderland), Kelly Smith (Arsenal), Emily Westwood (Everton), Fara Williams (Everton)

Eniola Aluko (Charlton Athletic), Amanda Barr (Charlton Athletic), Karen Carney (Arsenal), Jody Handley (Everton), Josanne Potter (Charlton Athletic), Lianne Sanderson (Arsenal), Alex Scott (Arsenal), Sue Smith (Leeds United), Rachel Yankey (Arsenal)

Mof Gimmers

All aboard Macca's England bus

Bus driver Steve McClaren is gathering an entourage to rival Jennifer Lopez's as he gets to work with England. Terry Venables is close to joining Macca's backroom staff according to reports today and it is also rumoured that he would like rugby World Cup-winning coach Sir Clive Woodward to organise the England setup. Bratwurst ponders who else might be useful additions to Steve McClaren's England bus.

All aboard Macca's England bus continued

Assistant coach - Zinedine Zidane
Has reportedly already had a lot of experience of picking international teams and giving team-talks. A headstrong individual who is on the lookout for a new job.

Fitness coach / team psychologist - Mr Motivator
The original fitness expert and, as his name would suggest, a good motivator. Plus those bright coloured leotards are enough to scare any opposition.

Attacking coach - Pete Doherty
Like any good striker, the Babyshambles frontman just can't stop scoring.

Defensive coach - Marco de Luca (AC Milan's lawyer)
If you can successfully defend AC Milan in the match-fixing trial, you can handle any sort of defending.

Goalkeeping coach - George W Bush
Comfortable commanding any area, knows what it is like to be in charge of England and not much gets past him...

Any other candidates?

Rob Parker

Why didn't the real Rooney, Lampard and co show up?

Hard to put into words just how frustrating it was to watch England's Premiership stars play like non-league journeymen in Germany. I know Wayne Rooney was recovering from injury (what was Frank Lampard's excuse?), but he never looked like recapturing the form that saw him score goals like this for Man Yoo. Considering that we got damn close to the last four playing like absolute shit, just imagine how far we could have gone if we'd played well…

Steve McClaren told Sven not to pick Theo Walcott - maybe Macca's not rubbish after all?

Steve McClaren reportedly told Sven-Goran Eriksson not to take Theo Walcott to Germany. McClaren was apparently concerned by fitness worries over Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen, and feared the Swede was taking an unnecessary gamble in having unproven Peter Crouch as his only fit, experienced striker. A source told the Daily Mirror: 'Steve told Sven he should think again and that he didn't believe Walcott was ready… Sven was determined to stick with Theo, especially after he spoke about him with Arsene Wenger… But it became obvious that Theo was short for this level.'

This is an encouraging story, but it doesn't tell us who McClaren would have chosen instead of Walcott…

Betting guide: the next England captain

Chelsea lionheart John Terry is hot favourite to succeed David Beckham as England captain. But is he worth backing? Here are the runners and their odds (William Hill):

John Terry 1-2 fav
Steven Gerrard 2-1
Gary Neville 5-1
Frank Lampard 8-1
Rio Ferdinand 12-1
Michael Owen 14-1

Not much value in there, I'm afraid. Lampard at 8s is a joke price in a two-horse race. If you're feeling brave, wade into John Terry and add 50% to your stake. Dangerous business of course, but Terry seems to be a shoo-in, particularly as Steve McClaren had a central defender as his captain at Middlesbrough (Gareth Southgate).

Cristiano Ronaldo: a c**t of biblical proportions

I don't condone Wayne Rooney's thuggish behaviour but Cristiano Ronaldo's collection of winks, pouts and dives elevates him straight to the top of our Most Loathed Players in the World list. If he isn't the vainest footballer who ever lived, then I'm Nancy Dell'Olive Oilio.

England starting XI for Euro 2008?

Steve McClaren hardly represents a clean slate for the national team, but at least we can renew our blind faith in English football by looking ahead to Euro 2008 (provided we qualify, of course). Here's how the England team might line-up in a couple of years' time in Austria & Switzerland. This XI looks a damn sight more balanced than the 2006 vintage, with a nice mix of experience and youth – and a lot of pace:

GK Paul Robinson
DF Gary Neville, John Terry (capt), Rio Ferdinand, Ashley Cole
MF Owen Hargreaves, Steven Gerrard, Aaron Lennon, Joe Cole
CF Wayne Rooney, Theo Walcott 

Beckham resigns – so who should be the next England captain?

A wobbly-voiced, emotional David Beckham has stepped down as England captain. Thanks Becks – you may not have had a great World Cup, but no one can deny you've done great things for the image of football in this country.

So a new era dawns… who would you like to see installed by Steve McClaren as the new skipper of England? I'd go for John Terry or Steven Gerrard, both great leaders and the right age to captain the national team for at least the next four years. Who would you choose?

10 England Scapegoats

England exit another World Cup, so somebody must be to blame! How else would the tabloids make their money? Bratwurst looks at the Top 10 scapegoats for England's exits from major tournaments.

1 Cristiano Ronaldo

We might as well start at the most recent. The waving of imaginary cards and bullying of referees has been a disappointing feature of Germany 2006 (it isn't sour grapes, I said so days ago!). Whether you saw the Rooney incident as an accident of not, the referee was not going to take any further until Ronaldo (or C Ron as he might be known if he moved in hip-hop circles) got involved.

2 David Beckham

Beckham's life was made hell for a couple of years after he petulant kick at Diego Simeone during France 98. The English press and public were in no doubt as to who should take the blame for England's World Cup exit.

3 Urs Meier

Controversially disallowed Sol Campbell's winner for England in the quarter-final against Portugal in Euro 2004. His fate included death threats, 16,000 abusive emails and a giant red card courtesy of a British tabloid.

4 Gareth Southgate

Took the blame for England's Euro 96 exit after missing a penalty in the semi-final shootout against Germany. At least he was able to make some money out of his misfortune through a Pizza Hut advertising campaign.

5 Heat

A steady scapegoat who is usually around for summer tournaments. Has taken the blame from Mexico 1970 right up to England's opening match of Germany 2006 against Paraguay.

6 Chris Waddle

Another penalty victim (we have plenty of those). Might have been let of the hook given England's brave performance at Italia 90, but it was the fact that he missed his penalty so spectacularly that earned him his scapegoat status.

7 David Batty

Never one to back down from a challenge, Batty stepped forward to take a penalty against Argentina at France 98 despite never having taken a competitive penalty before. Most of England wished he had kept it that way. Luckily for him, Beckham took most of the blame.

8 Graham Taylor

Turnip is vilified to this day for his terrible performance as England manager in which he failed to secure qualification to USA 94. His decision to replace Gary Lineker with Alan Smith part way through the deciding qualifier against Sweden made Sven's substitutions look like tactical masterstrokes.

9 Wayne Rooney

Probably will not receive as much criticism as Beckham did in 1998 because of his age, status and the circumstances of his sending-off but will definitely take the blame in some quarters.

10 Kim Milton Nielsen

The giraffe-esque referee not only sent off David Beckham, but - just like Urs Meier - denied England a winner from Sol Campbell.

Rob Parker

England end-of-term report

Paul Robinson Too often the Spurs keeper looked nervous and immobile. C
Jamie Carragher Solid club pro, but not international class. C+
Sol Campbell At fault for Sweden's second equaliser. A shadow of the old Sol. C-
Gary Neville Admirable performance against Portugal, but injury wrecked his World Cup. Remains England's most mature professional. B-
Ashley Cole Getting back to his best but never really impressed, bar one goal-saving intervention against Paraguay. B-
John Terry Honest John had a few dodgy moments but overall he was a rock at the back. B
Rio Ferdinand A class act who is best-suited to international football. B+
Owen Hargreaves Truly heroic against Portugal, showing up both Gerrard and Lampard. A-
Michael Carrick A confidence player and clear that Eriksson never had much confidence in him. B-
Steven Gerrard Flashes of brilliance and England's top scorer but seemed strangely out of sorts for most of the tournament. B-
Frank Lampard Had a car-crash World Cup, typified by wild, selfish shooting, clueless positioning and aimless lateral passing. D
David Beckham That right foot is a lovely nine-iron, but it's attached to a vain, one-paced journeyman. His days are numbered. D
Joe Cole Excellent early on but seemed to fade as the tournament unfolded. B-
Stewart Downing Yet to convince me that he's England-class but is one for the future, particularly with former club boss Steve McClaren in charge. C
Aaron Lennon Fearless, fast and direct – everything that Beckham wasn't. B+
Wayne Rooney Never fully match-fit and misused by Eriksson. A World Cup to forget, but he has time on his side. C+
Peter Crouch Immaculate hold-up play against Portugal and scored a crucial goal against Trinidad & Tobago. Needs to work on his finishing. B
Michael Owen Desperately unlucky with injuries. England missed him. C-
David James, Scott Carson, Wayne Bridge, Theo Walcott, Jermaine Jenas Mere passengers. No score
Sven-Goran Eriksson Veered between clueless (taking Walcott, but not Defoe, Folwer or Bent) and inspired (taking Hargreaves and Lennon), but too conservative when it really mattered. Portugal were there for the taking and the Swede should have played 4-4-2, with Rooney feeding off Crouch. C-

5 Conclusions: England v Portugal

This is a difficult task, but we will try to list the traditional Bratwurst 5 Conclusions without making the rest of you quite as depressed as we are.

1 Pre-season training at Manchester United will be interesting. If Cristiano Ronaldo was looking for a move he might just have earned it today. How can he stay when he is at war with van Nistelrooy and now Rooney?

2 Owen Hargreaves should be knighted. Shades of Beckham versus Greece - the man was everywhere.

3 England deserved to win the game. If any neutrals saw differently please let us know, but from what I saw we were the better side even with 10 men.

4 It might be just as well we didn't get through to the semi-final. We would have been without Terry, Beckham and Rooney. Sven might have had to resort to the 4-6-0 formation.

5 It is sad that the likes of Beckham, Neville and Campbell will probably not feature in a World Cup again. The campaign began with so much promise, but once again it has delivered nothing.

Rob Parker

Sven wins the battle of the family crests

How many other football blogs give you a bit of matchday genealogy in search of a good omen? Well, Bratwurst does and it seems that the family crest of Sven Goran Eriksson (left) is far superior to Big Phil Scolari's (right, obviously). There is definitely more than a hint of St George about Eriksson's crest, while Scolari's looks like a warning sign. Clutching at straws? You bet! [Crests via House of Names]

Rob Parker

Sven vs Scolari III: Swede Revenge?

Sven and Big Phil do battle once again this afternoon with the Portugal manager 2-0 up on aggregate. Will it be third time lucky for Sven? In their first World Cup meeting four years ago Ronaldinho famously lobbed Seaman (Mark Lawrenson-style off-mic chuckle!). Two years ago at Euro 2004 Scolari's Portugal triumphed on penalties. This ought to refresh your memory and get that horrible feeling in your stomach ready for kick-off.

Rob Parker

Mystic Terry Butcher predicts exact score of England v Portugal. Or does he?

Mystic Terry Butcher, never one to avoid a neck/chopping block situation, has boldly predicted the scoreline of tomorrow's England v Portugal quarter final. Terry is 'very confidant' in Sven's boys and predicts that England will win 2-0, with both goals scored by a rejuvenated Wayne Rooney.

Two can play that game, Butcher. I reckon England will win 1-0, with the decisive goal scored by Peter Crouch in extra time. May the best Mystic win…

What's your England team to play Portugal?

To 4-4-2, or not to 4-4-2? I remember how Peter Crouch scared the life out of Uruguay and Argentina, albeit in friendly internationals, and it makes me think that the lanky robot has to play up-front tomorrow, alongside Wayne Rooney. Bratwurst's team to face Portugal would be:

P Robinson; G Neville, J Terry, R Ferdinand, A Cole; O Hargreaves, D Beckham, J Cole, S Gerrard; W Rooney, P Crouch

Agreed?

Pub debate: is Frank Lampard's ankle injury a blessing in disguise?

Frank Lampard twisted his ankle in training yesterday and is a slight doubt for tomorrow's Portugal showdown. Latest reports indicate he'll train with the squad today and that he should be fine. Bit of a non-story then. When I first read about the injury I was quietly delighted that a player so outrageously out of form had crocked himself and indavertantly forced Sven to couple Hargreaves and Carrick in midfield, or at least move Beckham inside and start Aaron Lennon wide right.

So, own up – do you hope Fat Frank recovers in time?

FIFA Poll: Switzerland v Ukraine was more exciting than England

According to a poll on the official World Cup website, the boring 0-0 draw between Switzerland and Ukraine followed by the worst penalty shoot-out ever was more exciting than England v Ecuador! Hopefully someone is trying to have a joke at FIFA's expense, but if nearly 3,000 people actually thought Switzerland v Ukraine was the most exciting match of the second round that is worrying.

And users of the BBC website have also been using interactive polls to make their point, with six England players in the bottom 10 of the Beeb's Player Rater results.

Rob Parker

Rooney doesn't mind playing alone

With Rooney set to start alone up front for England in Gelsenkirchen on Saturday, Roonaldo has come out and said he 'doesn't mind'.

About his lone rangering, Rooney said: "It was hard but as long as the midfield players keep supporting me there's no problem. I don't mind. I'll play wherever the manager wants - up front on my own, or up front in a two, that's no problem." He then added "I feel like I can last two hours. That's down to the manager but I feel good in myself. I was quite pleased with my performance in the last game and I was delighted with the result. If it's the same performance and the same result again I'd snatch your hand off for it." Should we be dropping KD Langpard in favour of throwing Crouchie on for a 4-4-2?

Mof Gimmers 

Streetfighter Sven talks the talk

At England's latest press conference, Sven-Goran Eriksson laid the smackdown to the gentlemen of the press, and sounded for the first time like there might be a real, beating heart beneath that cold, Mr Burns exterior: 'Don't tell me I don't know what to do,' he chided. 'I know exactly what to do.' Hell, at one point he even broke off to claim that Big Phil Scolari would have 'thrown everyone out' if faced with a similarly negative line of questioning (he probably would have). Good to see Sven in a combative mood, at last.

Nerves Sven? Have a nice cup of tea

(cue Hovis style music) "Eee. When I wer a lad, growin' up in th'streets of Torsby, the'wer nowt as grand as comin' 'ome, and 'avin' a nice brew. When I took th'England job, and that bloke from th'Daily Mail said "So, the mother country of football, birthplace of the greatest game, has finally gone from the cradle to the shame. We've sold our birthright down the fjord to a nation of seven million skiers and hammer throwers who spend half their lives in darkness" I dint fret... just put th'kettle on, and made mesen a nice pot of tea..."

You get the picture don't you. It would seem that Svennis, our beloved coach, opts for cups of tea in his build up to important matches.

Before a match, with all the waiting around, Sven sits down to a most English of past-times. Eriksson said: "I don't really get nervous but I might be a little tense on match day when you arrive at the stadium one-and-a-half hours before the game. There is nothing to do initially. You can't speak to the players for about an hour, so you drink tea. The wait doesn't drive me mad, but it is a long time."

So, back to Jeff Powell, the Daily Mail hack that wrote that "hammer throwers" bilge in the Mail... just how English do you want Sven to be?

Mof Gimmers

Aaron Lennon 'Give Pace A Chance' t-shirt

If you have found yourself moaning at the omission of Aaron Lennon from England's starting line-up during the World Cup, you can make your point with this witty t-shirt from TShirts365.

The t-shirt's slogan is 'Give Pace A Chance', adapted from the lyrics of Lennon's ex-Beatles namesake.

Rob Parker

World Cup Video: David Beckham throwing up against Ecuador

WARNING: Stop eating before watching this video!!!

This video shows England skipper David Beckham vomiting during the match with Ecuador on Sunday. The footage was censored during the match itself. Whoever edited the video has also put it rewind to show Beckham hoovering the vomit up. Lovely!

Rob Parker

In another life... the England team to face Portugal

Bratwurst gives you the lowdown on the England team that could be facing Portugal on Saturday in a parallel universe where potential has been fulfilled, injuries have been avoided and the right transfer moves have been made.

Goalkeeper

Carlo Cudicini - Was rumoured to be in line for a call-up in 2004 when he became eligible for British citizenship, but that never materialised. Would certainly have made this World Cup squad ahead of Scott Carson.

Defenders

Steven Gerrard - Arguably the best right-back in England, but also happens to be the best midfielder too. Broke into the Liverpool team as a full-back and could easily have stayed there he was so impressive.

Titus Bramble - Once one of England's finest young centre-backs, but now one half of slapstick duo Bramble & Boumsong. His regular errors are now a standing joke, which doesn't do his confidence any good, which leads to errors, which...

Wes Brown - Wes Brown has never been the same player since returning from a cruciate ligament injury. If he had not picked up the injury it is hard to imagine him not being an England regular by now rather than the nine caps he has picked up.

Phil Neville - It is often argued that you stand more chance of being picked for England as a Manchester United reserve than in the first team of many other Premiership clubs. Phil Neville is a case in point, although playing in midfield for Everton where he faces stiffer competition hasn't helped.

Midfielders

Jermaine Pennant - Aaron Lennon shouldn't really have had a sniff of an England call-up. Jermaine Pennant should have cemented his spot as a replacement for Beckham years ago. Sadly has gone off the rails, but was one of Birmingham's best players last season and is now being linked with a move to Liverpool.

Nicky Butt (c) - Another player who fared better as a Manchester United bench-warmer. Injuries and a failed move to Newcastle United lost him the momentum gained with an excellent World Cup in 2002.

Seth Johnson - Johnson appears destined to be a one cap wonder despite his early promise. Tipped to follow David Platt off Crewe Alexandra's production line and into the England midfield, he has suffered from injuries and loss of form. At the start of this season Leeds United wrote off their £7 million transfer fee and let Johnson re-join Derby County for free.

Matthew Etherington - First got noticed as a 15-year-old on trial with Manchester United when Sir Alex Ferguson named him as the stand-out player in a match with Boca Juniors's youth side. He joined Tottenham instead, but is now beginning to reach his potential with West Ham.

Strikers

Francis Jeffers - Before Rooney, the Everton youngster everybody was talking about was Francis Jeffers. Has an England record of one cap, one goal, but has failed to make his mark at Arsenal, Charlton and Rangers. Has gone off the boil more times than your kettle.

Danny Cadamarteri - Before Francis Jeffers, the Everton youngster everybody was talking about was Danny Cadamarteri! Announced his arrival as a 17-year-old with the winning goal in the Merseyside derby and a couple of other important goals. Sadly it has been downhill from there. Now a bit of a journeyman around his native Yorkshire.

Rob Parker

Gary Neville, Your Country Needs You!

Don't underestimate the importance to England – and specifically to David Beckham – of Gary Neville. The Man Utd captain returned to full training today for the first time in two weeks and could now start against Portugal on Saturday. Neville is Becks's best mate/best man; Beckham plays much better with his old buddy sat in behind him, an understanding that goes back to their days in the Man Utd youth team. It would be a huge bonus if Neville is fit to face the Portuguese. But where would this leave Owen Hargreaves?

Portugal to target flapping Robinson

Portugal are under the impression that Paul Robinson is some kind of vampire. The Quarter Final clash between our boys and Big Phil's lot will see the Portugese attacking Robinson with crosses. They've slyly noted (as have the rest of the world) that Paul Robinson isn't doing to great when it comes to deliveries from the flanks.

"I see faults in Robinson that we can exploit in Gelsenkirchen this Saturday. The England keeper is not one of their better players," striker Pauleta said."It is good to have team-mates at Portugal who play in the Premier League because they can tell us important details about the opposition. I do not see anything inferior about Portugal compared to England." Sounds like fightin' talk to me.

Mof Gimmers

The Bratwurst pickle: Is Owen Hargreaves becoming more English?

Is Owen Hargreaves - England's greatest sporting Canadian since Lennox Lewis - becoming more English? In his latest press conference he seems to have completely dropped his old Canadian drawl for a Manchester accent with the occasional twang of German. Is this a conscious attempt to fit-in or an innocent case of spending too much time with Gary Neville?!

Rob Parker

Paul Robinson: Don't blame it on the good times, don't blame it on the sunshine, blame it on the pitches

England goalkeeper Paul Robinson blames England's sluggish performances on the dry pitches in Germany: 'I think we are finding the pitches particularly difficult because they are not putting water on them. It's slowing our passing game down. We are finding it hard to get a rhythm.'

Subtext: 'Come on FIFA, it's about time we held the World Cup in Scotland in January. I bet these glove-wearing foreigners wouldn't stand a chance – see how Deco and Ronaldinho cope with a bit of sleet.'

Rio hits out at England critics

For all those saying England aren't playing very well (read everyone), Rio Ferdinand has something to say to you. "Everyone keeps talking about performances, performances, performances but results win tournaments. Performances are a bonus. That's the way we look at it. If we get a good performance then fantastic, that's what we're aiming for, but if it doesn't come and we get the result, who's going to cry about that?

Rio continued "I don't care if people say we're not playing well. We're improving slowly and steadily. If you look at Argentina against Mexico they didn't perform as they did in the last few games. There's ups and downs in a tournament."

He has a point. Think about it. England's best performance was against a tough as a nut Ecuador side. If we're due a big performance, then surely it is better to be in the latter stages of the competition? And everybody knows that all the best teams can still win games even though they're playing badly. "You've got to beat who is put in front of you. We got a good result and we're through which is pleasing." said Ferdinand before adding "We're at a stage now where we're improving with every game."

Ferdinand, the one player you can actually count on in this World Cup to be super positive about our chances, is still thinking about playing in the final. Performances mean little to him.

"In the past, we've seen teams start slowly and be full steam ahead by the end of the tournament and then get to the final... anyhow we get to the final, we'll take that."    

And who can argue? If England play garbage football for the whole of this tournament, and win every game 1-0, will you grumble? I doubt it. Of course it's frustrating, but a win is a win. So let's all take a leaf out of Rio's book and get some PMA... pretending to kidnap Beckham is optional.

Mof Gimmers

Pub Debate: Has Arsene Wenger misled Sven over Theo Walcott's ability?

Despite England's lack of strikers, 17-year-old Theo Walcott has not yet featured in the World Cup. Sven Goran Eriksson called up Walcott without seeing him play. Do you think Sven feels Arsene Wenger has misled him about Walcott being ready to play international football? Or is the England boss keeping the youngster under wraps to use as a secret weapon when his team are struggling in the knockout matches?

Rob Parker

Rooney "All I need is a goal"

Jesus. I fear any defender in this World Cup who has to come up against Wayne Rooney. When he gets his first, he'll be unbearable. Yesterday saw Rooney back to something like what we all know and love (loathe if he's playing against you). Once he's bags, he'll be unstoppable. Even the man himself agrees. Rooney is pleased with his progress, and said he felt "better in the final 30 minutes than the first hour" and that his improvement is only hampered because he hasn't found the net... yet. Portugal, beware.

Mof Gimmers

Weatherwatch: England can blame it on the sunshine again!

This Sunday's weather forecast for Stuttgart, the venue of England's second-round match with Ecuador, is hot hot hot - temperatures could reach as much as 35ºC, if the BBC's five-day forecast is to be believed. The game kicks off at 5pm local time (4pm BST), so there should still be plenty of heat in the day. Good news for Ecuador surely? Get those water bottles filled, little Sammy Lee!

Sven admits he should have cut out Sweden's near post corners

Football pundits around the world owe David Beckham an apology this morning after Sven Goran Eriksson admitted that he was responsible for clearing near post corners. During the England v Sweden match it appeared that Beckham's poor positioning on corners had created Sweden's opening goal and almost led to another.

However, it now seems that in fact Sven should have been watching for flick-ons at the near post. He told the BBC: "We conceded two bad goals and, if you want to find who is to blame, blame me please." [Via the BBC]

Rob Parker

Pub debate: What's your England team to face Ecuador?

Sunday's last-16 match against Ecuador is looming. Put yourself in Sven's shoes and pick the best England team to win this match. Our starting XI would be as follows:

Paul Robinson; Jamie Carragher, John Terry (capt), Rio Ferdinand, Ashley Cole; Owen Hargreaves, Frank Lampard, David Beckham, Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard; Wayne Rooney (4-5-1)

Little debate about the back five. Hargreaves has to play to free up Lampard and particularly Gerrard, who should look to link with Rooney as often as possible. Give Beckham 60 minutes and then bring on Aaron Lennon; give Rooney 75 minutes and then either bring on Peter Crouch or unleash Theo Walcott. Agreed?

Owen's injury: The Aftermath

So now we know. Michael Owen will be out for the rest of the World Cup and will miss the start of next season. Freedy Shepherd, Newcastle chairman thinks England will still win the World Cup without Owen, but ranted about the compensation from the FA, which he deemed 'far too low'. Many are gravely shaking their heads thinking we've blown our chance and Owen's injury compounds our inevitable failure.

Is it that big a deal?

Of course, Owen is a sly fox in the box, and when firing, is a player worth fearing. He scores great goals and is always a threat. In saying that, when was the last time you saw Owen approaching trembling defenders?

Since the beginning of last season, pretty much as soon as Owen signed for Newcastle, he almost became a joke. To me at least. I'm not alone in thinking that Owen's departure from Liverpool was a huge mistake, from which he has never really recovered from, save for a handful of matches. Thinking about the whole thing yesterday, I found myself sagely nodding at how I'd be more inclined to play for Real Madrid's under 10's than Newcastle. No disrespect to The Magpies, but I don't really buy the 'sleeping giants' tag. Newcastle are a big team that's been going through a transitional period for about 50 years.

And so to the World Cup. From the off, Owen looked far from match fit. This didn't concern me too much as class players can always regain their sharpness... but there was something far more worrying about Cheese'n'Owen. The fact that he had become surly and disinterested. Public snipes to his manager is not something Owen is known for. In fact, his usual demeanor is like that of a trainee team leader. Diplomatic to a fault. Also, quipping that his game was out because his team weren't playing well enough to give him any great service is not suitable to bonding and spirit. Next year, I think Owen will continue in this manner, and I fear we've seen the best of him. Maybe England will be a better force without him?

Mof Gimmers

Pimp My Sven: Dress the England boss to impress

The excellent England All Stars website gives you the chance to dress Sven Goran Eriksson as you wish in their Pimp My Sven game. You can give him a medallion to match Otto Pfister's or tiny PVC shorts should you wish! This provides literally seconds of entertainment before you send it to your mates as an e-card!

And while you are on their site you should probably check out the hilarious England v Paraguay video too.

Rob Parker

Cruciate ligament damage = Michael Owen's World Cup is over

Ouch, that's gotta hurt. As soon as we saw the replay of Michael Owen's knee popping, it was clear his Germany 06 was over. Some sections of the media, including The Guardian, thinks Owen's loss is a blessing in disguise. Not sure how losing our one world-class finisher counts as a blessing?

UPDATE: An initial scan on Owen's knee has revealed that he suffered cruciate ligament damage and will be out of action for around five months. He'll fly home from Germany today.

Random thought from the England game.

I had a niggling touble which would not leave my side throughout the England and Sweden game. Nothing to do with Owen's potentially dismal injury. Nothing to do with our brown pant defending... not even anything to do with Rooney's tanti. It was something unquantifiable. Then it hit me in a moment of inspiration. Peter Crouch looks like Brassneck from the Dandy. That's it really. I'm sure you lot an come up with some better England squad lookalikes.

Mof Gimmers

Hargreaves set to star against the Swedes

Owen Hargreaves is set to make the starting line-up against Sweden tomorrow. Hargreaves, who has come under the glare of the media and fans, ironically made his last start against the Swedes in a friendly, which England lost 1-0.

Hargreaves is set to play the holding role in tomorrows game, and finally show what he's made of, rather than as a bit part substitute.

Hargreaves said "I didn't even know it was two years since I last started. It has been a while. I am told it was in Sweden and I think I got man of the match in that one. Maybe it's a good omen! Any time you get an opportunity - especially in a tournament like this - to present yourself and help your team to win is brilliant and something you dream of as a footballer.

He continued "It's important to take your chances. In the past, I think I've done that and that's what I want to do on Tuesday. It's my position - playing in the holding role - getting stuck in, winning tackles and laying it off. I feel very confident in that role.

Hargreaves has been superb in this role playing in the Bundesliga. He added: "For Bayern Munich, I've proved on the pitch exactly what kind of player I am. I didn't really have the opportunity with England (in the last game) when I only got a few minutes, but the most important thing is we get the result we need, whether that means me playing a great game, an average game or whatever."

With Gerrard and Lampard looking to be rested against Sweden, speculation is rife about who will partner the Bolton born midfielder. Whoever it is, hopefully they'll play well together and finally silence some of the critics.

Mof Gimmers

Michael Owen has a bit of a dig at Peter Crouch

Michael Owen has dropped a not-so-subtle hint that he would like Peter Crouch to remain on the subs' bench beyond tomorrow's match with Sweden. Owen told the BBC: 'You would have thought there won't be so many long balls with Wayne back. We might keep it on the deck a bit more. If we're playing well, I will look as good as ever. I'm as sharp as ever.' Claws away, Michael.

Rob Parker

Rooney/Owen to start up-front against Sweden

England's goalscorers against T&T, Peter Crouch and Steven Gerrard, won't start against Sweden on Tuesday. They're both on a yellow card and Sven won't risk them – a second yellow would mean a one-match ban, and we could really use the pair in the second-round match against Germany or Ecuador.

Wayne Rooney will start instead of Crouch, with Owen Hargreaves deputising for Gerrard. I'd also like to see Aaron Lennon start instead of David Beckham. What is clear is that Eriksson desperately wants to win the Sweden game and top Group B: 'There are a lot of advantages to winning the group,' he said. 'All the way along you then get an extra day before each round, until the final itself. And England have not beaten Sweden in 38 years. Before leaving this job, I would like to do something about that.'

Boring boring England?

Sports Illustrated's website has this article on how goddamn boring England are to watch.

And I quote: 'For the first 60 minutes of Thursday's win over Trinidad and Tobago, England was content to sit back, kick the ball from side to side a bit, then hoof one over the top, hoping it might find the noggin atop Peter Crouch's gangly frame.'

Fair point, or a bit harsh coming from an American?

Pub debate: who would you play up-front for England?

Alan Shearer, in his infinite, tight-trousered wisdom, would play Rooney & Owen.

Who Ate All The Bratwurst would play Crouch & Rooney.

Who would you play up-front for England against Sweden?

Crouch the hair-puller – should his goal have been disallowed?

This video clearly shows that Peter Crouch pulled on the dreads of Trinidad defender Brent Sancho (who had another fine game) as he rose to head England's crucial first goal against T&T yesterday. Naughty, Peter.

3’s SeeMeTV service is calling for fans to upload their video blogs of and about the World Cup. Contributors earn 1p every time their video is watched by someone else on 3. More info at www.three.co.uk

5 Conclusions: England vs Trinidad and Tobago

1 Results are more important than performances ;o)

2 If 90 per cent of England fans were managing the side Peter Crouch would not have been on the pitch to score that goal.

3 If the match was on the BBC John Motson would not have been whoring his website while the England goalkeeper was clearing the ball under difficult circumstances. Clive Tyldesley was.

4 England might have lost without John Terry. He cleared up everything (not to mention the goal-line clearance).

5 As if Peter Crouch wasn't becoming a cult hero already, his goal has secured his status (shame he didn't score on 43 minutes like he should have!).

Rob Parker

Wayne Rooney is passed fit for Trinidad & Tobago!

The BBC reports that Wayne Rooney has been passed fit to play against Trinidad and Tobago today. Nervy FA officials flew in independent medical experts Angus Wallace and Chris Moran to cover their backs if Rooney was to get injured again. Wallace and Moran have declared Rooney fit to play and he will now be available to Eriksson. Result! [Via BBC]

Rob Parker

Download a Peter Crouch mask to cheer on England

It is unfortunate enough that Peter Crouch was born with the face he was, but now the BBC is encouraging England fans to don Crouch's face as they support England in the World Cup. You can download a Peter Crouch mask by clicking here. I am envisaging drunken robotics aplenty!

Rob Parker

Soca Warriors gunning for England

Even though Trinidad & Tobago is a small country tucked away in the West Indies, the side has something distinctly British about it. The person who epitomises that the most is Christopher Birchall, the Stafford born player who plies his trade at Robbie Williams' fave side, Port Vale.

Although Birchall is grateful for the opportunity to compete in a World Cup, he is also respectful of England, where he has always called home. "England is the country I come from and I won't disrespect them if I score a goal," said Birchall, a Liverpool fan. Of course he's not the only one playing in the English leagues. In the squad you have Shaka Hislop (West Ham United), Dennis Lawrence (Wrexham), Brent Sancho (Gillingham), Carlos Edwards (Luton Town) and Stern John - plus three more on the substitutes' bench in Ian Cox (Gillingham), Kenwyne Jones (Southampton) and Clayton Ince (Coventry)... not to mention captain Dwight Yorke's connections.

Of course, they may be respectful, but they'll still have their sights set on a win against England. Leo Beenhakker's team hope they can create an even bigger shock against England at the Franken-Stadion in Nuremberg.

"I would say there is confidence there now," said Dwight Yorke. "We needed a big performance against Sweden and went out and showed a lot of courage. I did not know that my players had such fantastic character. That is a game that five years ago we would probably have lost."

If the draw against Sweden, which saw T&T playing with 10 for a part, was the finest moment in Soca Warrior history, imagine the furore they'll cause if they get something today against England. You wouldn't bet against it either.

Mof Gimmers 

Wonder who this driver supports?

Just spotted this patriotic people carrier outside my living-room window and I had to grab my digital camera and take a photo: six little flags, countless stickers, a big England flag draped across the roof, a ping-pong thingy for the radio aerial and England furry dice. Tremendous work!

Beckham 'disgusted' at fans treatment of Hargreaves

David Beckham has revealed that England's players were "disgusted" by the fans' treatment of Owen Hargreaves during Saturday's game with Paraguay. The Bayern anchorman was given abuse by a section of supporters when he came on as a sub and helped the team to a single goal win. Hargreaves also experienced similar treatment when he came on for Gary Neville during the friendly with Hungary at Old Trafford a few weeks ago.

Hargreaves revealed that he feels that his playing overseas for his entire career hasn't helped him in his cause, but the England captain doesn't think the boo boys actions are acceptable.

Beckham said "It doesn't affect us but it was sad to hear the booing on Saturday because Owen is such an honest player, an honest lad and a young lad. I think there were a number of players who were turning around after what happened and were disgusted by it because at the end of the day he is playing for his country, doing what he can for the cause.

He added "Let's remember, Owen is playing for one of the best teams in Europe, has won European Cups and league titles, has loads of medals and is a very good player. It was sad to hear but Owen is a strong player and has a strong personality and he will overcome that. I am sure Owen will take heart from Peter Crouch who suffered something similar and is now popular with the supporters. But Owen is his own person and a very focused person and he works hard on the training pitch and during games and he is a great player."

Mof Gimmers

3’s SeeMeTV service is calling for fans to upload their video blogs of and about the world cup. Contributors earn 1p every time their video is watched by someone else on 3." More info at www.three.co.uk

England's build-up to Trinidad & Tobago going well - they just haven't noticed that Dwight Yorke is playing in midfield

It seems England's preparations for the match against Trinidad and Tobago in just two days time could be going a little better as they haven't realised that Dwight Yorke will play in midfield yet.

Captain David Beckham has warned his defenders about Yorke's threat, apparently oblivious to the fact his midfield counterparts are more likely to be up against Yorke.

England's build-up to Trinidad & Tobago going well - they just haven't noticed that Dwight Yorke is playing in midfield continued

According to the BBC, Beckham said: "He's always been a threat to defenders in any game - he's one of the best forwards around. He's one of the great strikers and has been for many years." Anyone got Sven's phone number?

Rob Parker

Englandwatch: 'Sven and Nancy, sittin' in a tree, figuring out England's Plan C…'

Two days to go now until England's second Group B game, against plucky Trinidad & Tobago. Sven gave his players a couple of days off, on Sunday and Monday, to recover from the energy-sapping Paraguay game and to spend some 'Barry White-time' with wives and girfriends, Nancy Dell'Olio included. Still no word on whether Wayne Rooney will play a part against T&T, but plenty of meaningless speculation. Oh, and Peter Crouch is ditching the robot dance. Spoilsport.

Footballers' wives are drinking for England

The wives and girlfriends of the England squad reportedly ran up a £440 bar tab as they celebrated the victory over Paraguay on Saturday night. The ladies partied until 4am before getting lost on the half-mile stagger back to their Baden Baden hotel. The Daily Mirror reports that the 20-strong group ploughed through seven bottles of Moet et Chandon champagne, 23 lemon or Red Bull vodkas, 12 glasses of lager, four Sambuccas, five orange liqueurs, a Bacardi & Coke and three packets of cigarettes. (Via Daily Mirror)

Rob Parker

England plead for water

England are to ask FIFA to ensure referees allow players time to take on sufficient fluids during the World Cup if the ridiculous heat continues in Germany.

Our boys drank 70 litres of water (three times what they'd normally drink in a game) during the win over Paraguay in face frying temperatures. It's said that  the players lost between five and ten pounds of body weight during the game. It's the norm for them to put on two pounds for every litre they drink.

Temperatures at pitchside were close to 100 degrees but there were times when Mexican referee Marco Rodriguez appeared reluctant to allow players to take on board more fluids even when there was a natural stoppage in play; report Football 365.

The FA said: "We will certainly be making communications to FIFA although we must stress this will not be in the form of a complaint. The medical staff were concerned. We went through 70 litres of water and normally we go through the region of 20-25 litres in a game. That shows how much fluid was required in the conditions. It is important they can access it as soon as possible during a match situation."

He added "It is also important that referees take that into account. We just want referees to be able to take this into account when playing in such severe conditions. If there is a break in play, a goal-kick, throw-in or whatever, then maybe they can allow players an extra second or two to get access to some fluids."

This recalls a similar spat when Jack Charlton went ballistic after his Irish team were refused water during soaring temperatures at USA '94.

Mof Gimmers

5 Conclusions: England v Paraguay

1 Why's everyone being so goddamned negative? England won its opening group game (for the first time in ages) against a very tricky South American team on a blisteringly hot afternoon that suited our opponents much more than us. And then our rivals draw with the weakest team in the tournament, leaving us in the enviable position of having to beat said 'weakest team' to qualify one match early. Brilliant.

2 Sven's massive Mr Burns forehead looked a bit red afterwards. Did he forget to pack the factor 30?

3 Peter Crouch had a great game and is now clearly above Michael Owen (poor throughout but still not fully match-fit) in the pecking order. Never thought I'd say that.

4 The Mexican ref, with his Bond villain hair and toothy smile, scared the life out of me. That second half was just frightening – I was convinced he'd send san English player off, just for being too English. Pray to God we don't get him again.

5 I simply can't understand why Sven let Jermain Defoe go home. You got the wrong Jermain(e) you Swedish turnip – you should have let Jenas return to England, not Defoe! A bonkers decision.

LIVE BLOG: England v Paraguay

Click below to access the Live Blog for England v Paraguay (if it doesn't update, click Refresh on your internet browser)…

LIVE BLOG: England v Paraguay (click refresh to update)

1.54pm Teams in the tunnel, Paul Robinson looks nervous. Very hot afternoon, which will surely suit Paraguay… c'mon England!

1.55pm National Anthems… not easy to stand when you're typing on a laptop :( Gary Nevile never sings it, the twat.

1.57pm And none of the Paraguayans sing their national anthem. Maybe they don't know the words?

1.59 C'MON ENGLAND!

2pm Is anyone else having trouble seeing the players with that crazy shadow on the pitch? Shades of Mexico 86…

2.02pm Loads of English in the ground, making a decent noise. Slow start to the game though.

2.04pm GET IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.05pm Paraguay own goal on three minutes, although John Motson thought it was Michael Owen's orginally. Who cares! 1-0 England

2.06pm Paraguay keeper crocked. Great start for England, settled the nerves of all England fans. Great ball in from Beckham - Sven almost looked excited on the bench there. Looks like sub keeper might have to come in.

2.09pm Reserve keeper on for Paraguay. They look rattled.

2.10pm Gerrard has a pop with the adidas beach ball. England are looking very dangerous every time they get forward. Paraguay can only get better… (you'd think)

2.12pm Indirect free-kick inside the Paraguay penalty area… controversial decision by the slick-haired ref… hit the wall and then over the bar by Lampard.

2.14pm Beckham causing havoc on the right… Paul Robinson gets one of his first touches of the ball and boots the ball straight to his opposite number.

2.15pm First 15 minutes played, England should be 2 or 3 goals up, that's the only concern. Paraguay look awful.

2.18pm Gerrard gets yellow card for a two-footed challenge. Intent was there but a worrying decision from the maverick Mexican.

2.21 Lampard down in the box, nothing given though. Crouch showed a good turn of pace earlier… and this ref has red card written all over him.

2.23pm Great shot by Lampard, stung the keeper's hands. Really could do with a second goal here.

2.25pm Gerrard down injured, clattered in the knee… on his feet but doesn't look too happy.

2.28pm Paraguay coming back into the game a little… foul on Gary Neville… 30 degrees in Motty/Lawro's commentary box apparently. Scorchio!

2.30pm Silky skills from robo-Crouch. He's having a good match so far… 'Hope England haven't peaked  too soon,' says Motty. Shut up Motty… Joe Cole down injured, looks in pain but should be OK… yep, he's alright. Phew.

2.36pm Lull in the game… England sitting a bit deep… couple of weak penalty shouts by England. England'll really need that half-time drink of water, or whatever isotonic drink they have these days.

2.39pm Free-kick wide left to England, Becks on the ball… ball rebounds, long-range shot well-over by Stevie G.

2.41pm Valdes whacked in the face by Rio Ferdinand, acts like he's been shot. Officials not allowing England to drink from water bottles. Shades of Jack Charlton/Ireland in 1994. Ridiculous.

2.43pm Becks goes close, shot just past the left post. Crouch and him have been our best players in the first half. England leading 8-2 on shot count.

2.45pm Football's Coming Home chant rings around the ground. Need the half to end without further incident now…

2.46pm Four minutes added time… just a thought, but on this form if Rooney returns it would have to be in place of Michael Owen… Crouch is looking an essential part of our team.

2.48pm OOOH!!! Paraguay go very close (Valdez) after a mistake on the left touchline by Ashley Cole. C'mon ref, blow the whistle for half-time…

2.50pm HALF-TIME. Thank God for that, England were looking a bit knackered at the end there.

Back in 15 minutes…

3.06pm We're off again…

3.07pm Stamina is key to this match. Think we'll have to use all our subs in this heat.

3.08pm That ref's hair is Brylcreem-tastic. Very slick.

3.10pm I suggest England gets together in the shaded area and keep the ball there for the remainder of the match… and that is exactly what they appear to be doing. Excccceellllent Smithers!

3.16pm England need to step things up again. The heat is clearly a factor… Stewart Downing on for Michael Owen. Strange decision. Owen must be injured?

3.18pm Great hold-up play by Crouch, Beckham into the box and dragged his shot wide.

3.20pm Agree with Ashley - get a fit youngster like Lennon on to run it down the line. We're going into our shell a bit like we did against Brazil in 2002. Have to push forward. C'mon boys, we're better than this!

3.23pm Why take Walcott if you have no confidence in throwing him on for Owen?

3.24pm Scrappy game now… yellow card for dissent to Peter Crouch after the ref gave a foul gainst him. Bit of a worry. Talking of Crouch, he nearly had a chance in the box… and then Valdes shot straight at Robinson.

3.26pm Rubbish decision by the ref on Crouch again. Perfectly good tackle. We'll get a red card if we're not careful. This ref scares the shit out of me. Paraguay looking much more dangerous now. This could be 1-1 if we're not careful, which would be a travesty, cause we're much better than Paraguay, clearly.

3.30pm A team with more attacking quality would have equalised by now… 20 minutes to go, get another sub on Sven!

3.33pm Great build-up play, started by Becks, Lampard nearly scored!!! Corner… Crouch heads up in the air… goal-kick.

3.35pm Crouch flagging a bit in the heat… Walcott has to come on for the last 15 minutes Sven…

3.37pm Owen was a tactical sub apparently… Sven's frozen in the headlights again. We have to get another sub or two on, or we'll end up with a draw.

3.39pm Joe Cole down injured but he looks OK now… get a sub on Sven!!!!!!!!

3.41pm Nunez on for Toldo. Owen Hargreaves about to come on for England. Great. Yep, Hargreaves on for Joe Cole, who's run his little socks off.

3.43pm England look out on their feet. Sitting so deep now. Lennon should come on for Becks on the right. Paraguay haven't shown too much up front… yet.

3.46pm Crouch offside. Had a great game though. Man of the match, I reckon. Less than five minutes to go now. C'mon lads!

3.48pm Rooney must be suffering on the bench… stinging shot by Lampard, well-saved. Corner… Terry and Rio up… 89th minute…  tense… very tense…

3.50pm Valdez has worked hard up front for Paraguay, but he's in my Annoying Players XI for sure. Always niggling our players.

3.52pm 2 minutes added time… almost there… almost there… should be OK now… YES!!!!! Victory!!!

3.53pm That was a very scary 90 minutes but it's the result that counts. Tough to play in that heat so you can't be too hard on England's players. Sven looked a bit out of his depth when it comes to thinking on his feet… again. Still, let's not be too negative. It's a winning start, after all.

England v Paraguay: LIVE BLOG, today 2pm

Yep, for those of you stuck in an office or simply unable to get access to a TV, radio or the internet, Bratwurst will be live blogging England's first game this afternoon. Check back at 2pm to follow the game here.

Bet of the Day: Peter Crouch to score a hat-trick against Paraguay

As you would expect there is little value in match-betting on England versus Paraguay because the bookies are unable to share the South Americans' optimism before a ball has been kicked.

If you do want a flutter on the game, you can get 40-1 on Peter Crouch to score a hat-trick (William Hill and generally). Successive hat-tricks for England is very unlikely (hence the odds) but Paraguay's lack of inches at the back has been well publicised and Crouch (pictured looking mean and moody) could benefit.

If that is a bit too extravagant for you, you can get 9-2 on a strong Ivory Coast side to pull off a shock against Argentina this evening (again William Hill and generally).

Rob Parker

Pub Debate: How much would you pay for a recording of Sven Goran Eriksson's heated phone call with Sir Alex Ferguson?

I would love to hear what was said in the allegedly heated telephone exchange between Sven Goran Eriksson and Sir Alex Ferguson over Wayne Rooney's fitness. The Daily Mirror reported today that Eriksson received Ferguson's infamous hairdryer treatment over the phone on Wednesday. I bet I can guess who did most of the shouting, although Sven's feathers must have been ruffled too as he came out guns blazing in a press conference yesterday (link to a video of this is halfway down this article). It is great to see Sven making decisions knowing he is free to jeopardise his working relationship with Ferguson!

Rob Parker

England News Balls: Gerrard fit for Paraguay

Stevie G ready to play against Paraguay tomorrow [BBC Sport]
The FA and Man Utd. Just good friends [Football365]
Departing Defoe a real pro [ESPNsoccernet]
Don't mention the war… too late [Guardian Unlimited]
Roberto Carlos: England not as good as Brazil. You don't say [The Sun]

World Cup Superstitions?

Loads of footballers have superstitions. Like Paul Ince, who had to leave the tunnel last, and put his shirt on right at the last minute. Or one Brazillian who insisted that the club mascot urinated on his leg before a game (thankfully it was a dog, not an elephant or something). Fans are no different. For the duration of the World Cup, I shall be sporting my Mexico '86 England shirt, with a bandage on my hand, just like Gary Lineker's. Honestly I will. Have you got any oddball superstitions? Why don't you leave a comment, or send an email to let us know.

Mof Gimmers

Pub Debate: If Steven Gerrard isn't fit for the Paraguay game, who replaces him?

Alarming news: Steven Gerrard, still not fully recovered from a stiff back, rates his chances of playing in Saturday's game vs Paraguay as just '50-50'. Bugger.

If Stevie G isn't fit, who do you think should come into the team to replace him? I'd bring in Michael Carrick, no question and tell Frank Lampard to push forward at any opportunity. What say you?

The secret of Michael Owen's success: do less running!

Michael Owen has revealed that he has become a top international striker by doing less running than he used to. In his MSN Player Diary Owen wrote: "When you're a kid you want to run everywhere and get every ball, which is exactly what I did. I was so excited to be in the first team that I probably did twice as much running as I should have and I was dead for three or four days after." Owen claims he has now become a more intelligent player by making fewer forward runs and not dropping deep to receive the ball either.

Rob Parker

Paul Robinson's pet pooch lost by dog-sitters

England goalkeeper Paul Robinson's pet boxer dog Tyson was lost by a pet-sitting service on Tuesday morning as his owner prepared for the World Cup. The misplaced mutt was eventually found wandering the streets of north London by a dog warden and taken to the Old Windsor branch of Battersea Dogs Home.

The hopeless pet-sitters managed to track Tyson down to the dogs home and he was eventually retrieved by Mrs Robinson on Tuesday evening. The dogs home stayed open late especially to avoid a night in the kennels for Tyson. [Via The Guardian] 

Rob Parker

What the England team needs is Cornish pasty power!

A Cornish pasty shop has sent a large box of its finest pasties to England's Baden Baden hotel. Ian Baldry, the owner of I's Pies (good name) in Brighton, claims that 'pasties have the perfect balance of protein (steak), carbs (potato and pastry) and vitamins (fresh vegetables)' to help our boys go all the way in Germany.'

Not sure England's dietician would agree, but you have to admire the patriotic gesture. We know Becks is a pie 'n' mash fan, so I'm sure he'd also like to sink his teeth into a big fat pasty. Peter Crouch could use some feeding up too.

Rooney 'Feels Fine'

The saga continues. Wayne Rooney, and his injured foot, are feeling "fine" according to the man himself. Sven confided "I'm confident he will take part in the World Cup and he is 300 per cent confident that he will play," said Eriksson, showing that neither he or Rooney are great at maths. He then added that "I look forward to the point when we don't discuss scans and Rooney's foot any more."

Don't hold your breath folks.

Mof Gimmers

Ballack questions England's resolve

Just how do you endear yourself to your new team mates at Stamford Bridge? Well, if you're the German captain Michael Ballack, you doubt England's steel under pressure.

Ballack has dubbed England a "very very good team" and added "(England) are one of the joint favourites for the World Cup alongside Brazil, Italy and Argentina, and rightfully so, but it remains to be seen whether they can deal with the pressure and the expectation. They have set themselves the target to become world champions and that is something they will be judged by"[Mof Gimmers]

Peter Crouch to top score in the World Cup?

As Crouch-mania sweeps the country I was very surprised to see that William Hill still have the world's greatest footballing giraffe at 40-1 to finish as the World Cup's leading goalscorer. He is certainly an outsider, but if he was to grab a goal or two against Paraguay I think those odds might be slashed fairly swiftly. Could be worth a responsible flutter.

Rob Parker

Wayne Rooney vs Metatarsal: Rooney winning on points

Wayne Rooney's been seen attempting a frickin' scissor kick in training – his recovery from that pesky foot injury would seem to be progressing nicely. He's due to fly back to Manchester on Wednesday for another scan, but it seems 90 per cent likely that he'll be cleared to return to Germany. However, volleying a ball in training and evading the attentions of a giant central defender intent on stepping on your crocked foot are two very different things.

Peter Crouch charters a private jet to take him to the World Cup

Peter Crouch's new cult celebrity status has obviously gone to his head. As the rest of the England squad fly to Germany on their Airbus A380 called Pride of the Nation, we have footage of Crouch making his own way to the World Cup.

Rob Parker

Do the Robot… the Crouchy craze that's sweeping the nation

Fork-lift truck drivers doing the Robot. Badly.

England look set to win the 2006 World Cup of Vanity

Take two bottle into the shower? No, 24 actually. That's right, Becks and co are having 24 bottles of shampoo and 24 cans of styling mousse specially flown out to Germany, and that's just for the group stages. I presume that means one bottle/can for each squad member – or could it just be Beckham's own personal supply?

England look set to win the 2006 World Cup of Vanity cont…

Each squad member will also be supplied with an electric toothbrush, soap, shower gel, suntan lotion, insect repellant and a whole array of other soothing potions and creams. We'll be the cleanest, most insect bite-free damn team at the World Cup!

Each player also gets his own widescreen plasma telly, Sky box and DVD player. Music store HMV is sending 'the lads' £10,000 worth of CDs and DVDs, including, apparently, King Kong and The Chronicles of Narnia. (I can easily imagine John Terry and Gary Neville having a bit of a cry together as poor Kong gets shot down from the top of the Empire State building.) With these treats, we are really spoiling them etc etc.

Hell, our 23 lions (24 including Jermain Defoe) even get a table-tennis table to muck about on. Let's hope they don't forget why they're out in Germany…

[via The Sun]

10 Conclusions from England vs Jamaica

1 Hat-trick hero Peter Crouch is well on his way to becoming a cult hero. Viva la robot!

2 Cult hero or not, he should not be allowed anywhere near a penalty shootout in Germany.

3 Praying everyone comes through the match unscathed is nearly as nerve-wracking as watching a penalty shootout.

4 As we concluded after the Hungary game, Sol Campbell is far from the top of his game and is very much an emergency option.

10 Conclusions from England vs Jamaica continued

5 David Beckham's delivery seems to be as good as it has been for years. He doesn't look as confident as he once did shooting from free kicks, but whipping it in he is at his very best.

6 His hair isn't at its best though. Becks seems to be thinning out a bit on top. 

7 Ian Wright must have been so late because he ran in his trainers.

8 I flinch every time David James receives a backpass. Anybody else suffer from this?

9 Steven Gerrard was a bit anonymous. Perhaps he was disappointed at being confined to defensive duties after his roving role against Hungary.

10 We are unlikely to see a performance as poor as Jamaica's in the World Cup, but it is still nice to sign off with a convincing win.

Rob Parker

Paddy Power to refund bets if Crouch's team-mates do the Robot

Paddy Power, never ones to miss a trick, are offering refunds on all losing 1st/last goalscorer bets for tomorrow's England v Jamaica friendly, if three or more England players celebrate a goal by doing the infamous Peter Crouch robot dance. If that doesn't interest you, the general match odds are as follows:
England 1-8, Draw 6-1, Jamaica 16-1

Owen Hargreaves to star against Jamaica. Oh no, I meant start

If you strike him down, he shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine…

Yep, everyone's favourite German-Canadian, Owen Hargreaves, looks certain to start tomorrow's Jamaica friendly, in the pivotal holding midfield role. Former No.1 holding midfielder Jamie Carragher moves to right-back (a failed experiment?) to deputise for Gary Neville (nursing a hamstring). As for Michael Carrick, who knows? Also looks like MC Crouch will start on the bench again, with Michael Owen on his own up front. Boo. More here.

What do you make of this rotating shambles?

Do the Robot with Peter Crouch (again)

Peter Crouch is fast-becoming a cult icon. First, he's in people's minds for having an unfortunate name (considering his long spidery frame). Second, for his dancing/emceeing. People are having a field day with Crouchie's robotics: here's a clip of him dancing at Beckham's World Cup bash.

[Mof Gimmers]

England's 6ft 7in beanpole robot Peter Crouch tries his hand at gangsta rapping

Peter Crouch's talents are obviously limitless. With the nation still reeling from his astounding robotronics, footage has now come to light of a severely under the influence MC Crouch rapping along to Ini Kamoze's Here Comes The Hotstepper. Is there anything this man can't do? [Via Four Four Two]

Rob Parker

How will England win the World Cup?

How the bloody hell are we going to win the World Cup? The Hungary friendly (first half, anyway) didn't give me much hope. Well, watch this video and then go to The Boys To Beat Brazil website to download a book which will reveal all. In the site's own words, its a 'novel that makes The Da Vinci Code feel like being stuck in a lift with David Pleat.'

[Mof Gimmers]

Embrace Official England World Cup dirge video

For the masochists among you the video for the depressing official England World Cup song by Embrace is now online. You can watch the World At Your Feet video by clicking here.

Rob Parker

Rio Ferdinand 'kidnaps' David Beckham. Hilarious

Ho ho, Rio's a wag, pretending to kidnap Becks. According to The Sun, 'The Real Madrid ace was convinced he was about to be held to ransom after a bizarre car ride that took him across Manchester’s notorious Moss Side area.' Becks jumped out of the car at a red light and sprinted away, clearly shitting himself. Rio leapt out of a nearby van, caught up with his captain and explained it was all a big joke, filmed for Rio's new ITV show, 'Rio Ferdinand's World Cup Wind-ups'. Comedy gold. (The show will be aired on 10 June, after the Paraguay game, btw)

Good to see Rio's mind is fully concentrated on the tournament :(

My life as England's No.1 Sven lookalike

The other day I had the pleasure of catching up with Derek Williams, aka Svenalike, England's foremost Sven-Goran Eriksson impersonator. On the left is a picture of Derek/Sven, standing between Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters (they're the real thing, btw). Uncanny, eh? Click below to read what Derek had to say to Bratwurst…

My life as England's No.1 Sven lookalike cont…

'My wife – she's gorgeous but she doesn't look like Nancy – orchestrated the whole Sven thing to start with. I'd be out shopping and she'd go off and return with a group of people who'd be amazed at how much I looked like him.

I was director of a company at that stage and was all set for semi-retirement. But one shopping trip in particular, where I got a big reaction from other shoppers, made me think that there could be something in the whole Sven lookalike business. So my son took some photos of me in a suit and within no time at all I had 30 bookings offered to me.

Doing Sven has now crowded out my other enterprises – it's very hectic at the moment, for obvious reasons, but I'm not complaining. I've been privileged to work with many celebrities and great footballers. Recently, for example, I was in the video for The Sun's Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Jurgen Klinsmann? which was great fun. I wish I'd put a grand on it to be Number 1. It was 30-1 but I missed the boat there!

My life's taken an incredible turn. It's all a lot of fun. Occasionally I'll have a booking where I just get plonked in the middle of a shopping centre and told to get on with it, which isn't great, but most of the time it's brilliant. It's quite a lucrative line of work – for the top lookalikes anyway – although not as much as you might think.

I'd say that around 90% of people who meet me think I'm the real Sven! I've never met him, at least not yet. I've been in the same building as him, but we've not come face to face. The real Sven must be aware of me, I would have thought, but I have no idea what he makes of it all. I'm sure it doesn't really bother him.

I do a lot of public speaking as Sven, especially after-dinner stuff, which I now have a reputation for. Sven's not the most colourful of characters so as well as a straight impersonation I do Svenalike, which is essentially a caricature of him, to liven him up a bit for my audiences. Svenalike is cheekier. He'll flirt with the ladies, for example, which they seem to love. Unlike the real Sven, Svenalike has been in bed with topless Page Three models!

Obviously I hope Sven stays in this country after he leaves the England job. A Premiership manager's job would be great for my profile, and his. But I think he'll always have a pretty high profile in England. All former England managers do.

I'm really looking forward to the World Cup, though I'm not sure I'll find the time to go out to Germany. We have an extremely talented squad, although of course it takes more than talent to win a World Cup. We need that winning spirit of '66 - and a bit of luck too!'

For more information on Svenalike, check out Derek's website, www.svenalike.co.uk

Thanks to Electrolux for arranging this interview: Svenalike is part of its campaign to promote the Insight Maxi Load washing machine.
 

England vs Hungary: 10 conclusions

1 Human stick insect Peter Crouch's body-poppin' robot dance was the funniest goal celebration I've seen in years. Not quite as impressive as this.

2 Has Michael Carrick been having an affair with Nancy or what? What does he have to do to convince Sven that he's a better option than Jamie Carragher and Owen Hargeraves?

3 Frank Lampard had a poor match and was outshone by Beckham, Joe Cole and Stevie G. Move Beckham inside and put Aaron Lennon on the right, anyone?

4 John Motson is past his best. He makes even Mark Lawrenson sound lucid/intelligent.

England vs Hungary: 10 conclusions cont…

5 Sol Campbell is desperately out of form. Apart from picking up a needless booking, he made several mistakes at the back.

6 Ashley Cole, on the other hand, looks better every time I see him. Still not back to his absolute best, but he's getting there. A big bonus for Sven.

7 Wayne Rooney, sitting in the crowd, looked pretty chipper for someone who may miss the entire World Cup. Have to admire his positive attitude. He hasn't whined about his misfortune once.

8 England's most important player? These days it's clearly Joe Cole, closely followed by John Terry. Props to Jose Mourinho for his sterling work with both.

9 Still laughing at Crouch's robotics…

10 Lee Dixon is actually a decent pundit. Very dull voice, but he always says the right things. Much better than Alan Hansen (tired) or Ian Wright (emotional).

Jamie Carragher to play as a holding midfielder against Hungary

Why, why, why, why? Why pick Michael Carrick and Owen Hargreaves in your squad and then play Jamie Carragher as a holding midfielder? It is rumoured that is what Sven Goran Eriksson has planned for England's friendly against Hungary tonight.

Eriksson has already stated that the team he plays tonight will be the one he wants to start the World Cup. Click here to read more from The Guardian.

Rob Parker

BBC experts' lowdown on the England squad

The BBC have produced an in-depth look at the England squad (roughly two weeks after everyone else). It is an interesting read as the Beeb have enlisted the help of some of their experts to give their opinions.

Chris Woods examines the England keepers, Terry Butcher runs the rule over the defence, Chris Waddle mulls over the midfield, Alan Shearer rates the strikers and Graham Taylor (snigger) looks at Sven's record. Click here to read it.

Rob Parker

BIG NEWS BALL! Wayne Rooney's scan date moved forward one week to 7 June

It's been decided at a meeting held this morning at Man U's training complex – attended by both Sven-Goran Eriksson and Alex Ferguson (plus the usual array of medical experts) – that Wayne Rooney's next metatarsal scan will be on 7 June, one week earlier than originally planned. Doesn't change much really, just decides his fate a bit earlier. I'm not holding out much hope.

Revealed: Wayne Rooney's new nickname…

Steven Gerrard on Wayne Rooney: 'The first time I saw him after his injury, I expected him to be a bit down. But even then he was adamant he was going to play some part… That's great news as a team-mate and there's no one more desperate than Wazza to play in the World Cup – except for me.'

Wazza?!*@!!

Yep, the world's finest young footballer goes by the nickname Wazza (I thought it was Shrek?). Classy, very classy.

Robert Green out of World Cup with ruptured groin

Click here to see the painful moment when England's third-choice goalkeeper Robert Green ended his World Cup hopes and gifted Belarus and equaliser in last night's B international. Green is now out of the tournament with a ruptured groin.

Not featured in the video is replacement Scott Carson trying to strike a balance between his concerned team-mate look and his 'I'm going to the World Cup' smirk.

Rob Parker

England B vs Belarus: 10 conclusions

1 Scott Carson should have been England's third keeper long before last night's match.

2 If Owen Hargreaves doesn't play in his usual holding midfield position, then why criticise him? That's like slagging off David Beckham because he had a shit game alongside John Terry in central defence. Hargreaves' versatility does him no favours.

3 Praise Aaron Lennon, by all means - but praise Sven too for having the balls to pick him instead of Sean Wright-Phillips. How many of you would have done the same thing?

England vs Belarus: 10 conclusions cont…

4 Last night's result matters even less than what's happening in the Big Brother house right now. It was a training match, not a competitive match – most of the senior English players just wanted to get to the final whistle unscathed. OK, Belarus took it pretty seriously but then beating England (even its B team) is a huge incentive for any team.

5 Theo Walcott is not going to compensate for the loss of Wayne Rooney. Walcott is bloody quick though and that just might be enough in the last 15 minutes of a key game.

6 I still don't rate Stewart Downing as international class. He's a very good club player, no more. I hope he proves me wrong, but I have my doubts.

7 Why has Joe Cole been taking diving lessons from Chelsea team-mates Dider Drogba and Arjen Robben? A shame, he's better than that (so are Drogba and Robben, for that matter).

8 All the idiots on football forums banging on about how England will struggle against Sweden, Paraguay and even T&T – get a life. Paul Robinson, John Terry, Gary Neville, Rio Ferdinand, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard and David Beckham didn't even get on to the pitch last night, so how can you make any sort of rational judgment on England's chances? Not one player (with the possible exception of Michael Carrick) who will start against Paraguay played the full 90 minutes against Belarus.

9 I admired the way Belarus played and also the fact they didn't try and kick lumps out of our players. 'Nuff respect to them.

10 I still wish that Robbie Fowler, not Andy Johnson, was our second stand-by striker. As an international defender, who would you rather see on the opposition bench? Exactly…

Michael Owen: 'I can't feel my foot'

England striker Michael Owen apparently came through last night's semi-embarrassing 2-1 defeat to Belarus in the B international unscathed despite being unable to feel his foot. He told the BBC: "I feel sharp, I can't feel my foot and I'm pleased I played for the 60 minutes." Is that good news or bad news?!

Rob Parker

Nick Hornby on England

The website of National Geographic – which has just run a cover story on football (for the first time ever, surely?) – features an interesting essay (adapted from The Thinking Fan's Guide to the World Cup) on the England national team by Nick Hornby, in which the little bald Gooner admits he'd rather support the French. I can see his point but, still, you have to support Sven's boys this time around, Nick. You can read the essay here.

World Cup Song Retrospective

Retrospectives. We love 'em. This here is a little look at some of the horrors that have dinked into the charts over the years… all in the name of England and World Cup glory. Laugh at K Keegan taking the '82 song far too seriously! Weep as you watch Echo & The Bunnymen rub shoulders with the Spice Girls! Scratch your head when you see Viv Anderson singing a ballad…

Mof Gimmers

Star striker to miss England vs Paraguay game

Paraguay striker Roque Santa Cruz (did you think we meant somebody else?!) will miss the World Cup group game against England as he has tendinitis in his right knee. He sat out of Paraguay's 2-2 draw with Norway last night. Click here to read more from the BBC.

Rob Parker

World Cup victory parade planned for July

Unfortuately, the picture you see to your left is the victory parade for the England cricket team. That hasn't stopped the FA organising one for our rampant lions though. July 11th has been pencilled in as the date for our lads to parade around the streets of London, to proudly show off the World Cup, which we'll obviously win. Naturally, nails are being ferociously bitten due to the tempting of fate, but one thing to calm jangling nerves is Tony Blair's announcement that, should we win, a public bank holiday will be declared! Even in Scotland! Mof Gimmers

The Road To Germany - The Observer's guide to getting to the World Cup

The Observer has put together a guide for travelling England fans on their way to the World Cup. The guide includes a quick route to get you there as soon as possible, a gourmet route to take in the best food and drink Europe has to offer, a party route if you don't mind arriving with a serious hangover and a cultural route if you fancy yourself as a bit of a Simon Schama. Click here to read it.

Rob Parker

Cool video of Theo Walcott training for England in Portugal

You don't win anything with kids… this is clearly no ordinary kid though. Get in there Theo!

WARNING: Phil Neville on World Cup standby

Everton right-back / left-back / holding midfielder Phil Neville has been brought into the England squad on World Cup standby after Nigel Reo-Coker pulled out with a niggling back problem. Not exactly a like for like swap.

How many utility players does one squad need? Owen Hargreaves is already there and Jamie Carragher can play anywhere across the back-four. Kevin Nolan anybody?

Read more from the BBC.

Rob Parker

Pub Debate: Who should play against Belarus?

England B will take on Belarus on Thursday night at the Madejski Stadium, Reading. You know the squad. You have heard the reports from Portugal. I named my line-up a few days back, but who do you think should start tomorrow?

Rob Parker

Take a tour of England's World Cup HQ in Baden Baden

You can go on a guided virtual tour of England's plush headquarters for the World Cup on The FA's website. The Buhlerhohe Schlosshotel (which English spell-checkers try to convert to 'Blowhole Sloshed' - hopefully not a sign of things to come!) near Baden Baden in the Black Forest will be England's World Cup home and Garth Crooks has apparently never seen anything like it in terms of "opulence". Click here to watch the video.

Rob Parker

Metatarsal Watch! Wayne Rooney making 'perfect recovery'. WTF?

Little confused here… Roo took almost three months to recover from his last metatarsal injury, suffered during Euro 2004, but now England doctor Leif Sward thinks that he stands a good chance of recovering from multiple fractures after just six weeks. What gives? I guess we'll find out on 25 May, when Rooney has his make-or-break MRI scan.

In other news, Tottenham defender Michael Dawson has replaced injury-stricken Luke Young on England's five-man stand-by list.

Mystic Sven: 'We Will the World Cup'… Everyone else: 'That's torn it'

Been taking the cocky pills, Sven? Just because Alf Ramsey proclaimed that his England team would lift the World Cup in 1966, doesn't mean you should too. Where has this out-of-character statement come from? Perhaps Kevin Keegan has stolen Sven's soul? 'I would love it, just love it, if we beat the rest of the world etc etc.'

Gary Neville and England doctor do their best to put more pressure on England

Gary Neville and England's team doctor are making a combined effort to put England under more pressure ahead of the World Cup. Neville has today said there is no excuse for England not winning the competition and that they would be remembered as a 'nearly team' if they failed. Click here to read what else he had to say.

Dr Leif Sward, meanwhile, has claimed today that Wayne Rooney is making a 'perfect' recovery from his metatarsal injury. Click here to read more. No pressure boys!

Rob Parker

Take a virtual tour of Wembley Stadium

You would be blamed for wondering what the bloody hell Wembley Stadium looks like. It was supposed to be ready about now, but all that stands is a load of concrete, a huge arch and some seagulls mucking around on it like winged chavs. Well, the official site for the staduim has an interactive section, so you can browse a virtual Wembley to get an idea of what it'll be like, eventually. It looks like it will be a cracking stadium, and a vast improvement on the last one.

Mof Gimmers

The Bratwurst pickle: can Steven Gerrard play as a striker?

Simple question: if Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen are still crocked in a month's time, should Stevie G play up front for England? He's clearly good enough to play most positions on the pitch, but second striker? I'm not convinced.

What say you?

Video of David Beckham's superhuman free-kick vs Greece

Becks scored twice in his final game of the season for Real Madrid, so let's hope he's in the kind of all-action form that saw him single-handedly drag England to the last World Cup. Even more good news: Michael Owen survived a full training session without breaking into a million tiny pieces.

Rooney is England's Number Nine

Wayne Rooney has been given the Number 9 shirt for the World Cup finals, even though he's still officially a crock.

Sven-Goran Eriksson has submitted his 23-man England squad to FIFA for the finals. It is a list of the same names Eriksson unveiled last week, with the first 11 numbers going to what is recognised as his first-choice team, including the choice for Rooney to be No.9.

Rooney is England's Number Nine cont…

Sven, who is still able to replace injured player 24 hours before the Paraguay game on June 10th, has given surprise call-up Theo Walcott the squad number 23. Walcott reported to his new gaffer, and his new international team-mates for the first time on Monday. Eriksson and his players met to fly from Luton Airport to Portugal where they will spend five days at a training camp. There were five players missing from the party.

Arsenal softies Sol Campbell and Ashley Cole have stayed with the Gunners because of the Champions League final against Barca, but Walcott left the Gooner squad as he has been left out by Arsene Wenger, who reached an agreement with the England boss.

Football 365 report that Steven Gerrard was also given permission to miss the training camp in the Algarve. Gerrard suffered bad cramp in Saturday's FA Cup final after a long hard season which started last July for Liverpool in the Champions League first qualifying round. The midfielder has been given the week off to rest and spend some time with his new daughter.

David 'Goldenballs' Beckham will join his England team-mates on Wednesday after Real Madrid's final game of the season. Rooney has stayed in England for intensive treatment on his foot injury with the Manchester United team doctors. Eriksson does not expect the United striker to join the squad until he is ready to train with a football. England's World Cup squad and the five stand-by players will train together for the first time on Tuesday.

You getting excited yet? Mof Gimmers

The science of penalty kicks. Sven, are you paying attention at the back?

Here's a thing: In World Cup Finals dating back to 1982, the penalty-kick success rate ranges from 73% (1990) to 80% (1998 – incidentally, that was the year after FIFA changed the law to allow goalkeepers to move along the goal-line). I don't have the stats to hand (any Stattos out there?) but I'd imagine that for England this success rate is much lower…

The science of penalty kicks. Sven, are you paying attention at the back? cont…

So what is it with England and penalty kicks? Even in this season's FA Cup final, Englishmen proved rubbish from the spot, with less than 50% hitting the target: Steven Gerrard and Teddy Sheringham scored; Anton Ferdinand, Bobby Zamora and Paul Konchesky all fu*ked up.

I think that there's something in every English footballer's psyche that is scarred by previous penalty failures. In recent times, the only Englishmen who have been any good at pens have been Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer and Matt Le Tissier. I trusted them, but no one else really.

Perhaps Sven should instruct his team to just BLAST the ball. A study in biomechanics done by Bath University in 2004 resulted in the oh-so-scientific conclusion: Hit the ball as hard as possible.

Their research indicated that a penalty struck at more than 20 metres-per-second (roughly 46 miles per hour) stands a greater chance of hitting the back of the net than a slower one, as a goalkeeper has less time to react. Like, duh!

England's Greatest Matches DVD in The Sun every day this week

The Sun is giving away England's Greatest Matches DVDs to celebrate, well, England's greatest matches (does exactly what it says on the tin). Today's DVD concentrates on the 1960s - which of course means 1966 - followed by the 1970s tomorrow and right through to the 2000s on Friday. Well worth catching the TV advert if you can featuring Ian Wright dressing up as Bobby Charlton, Kevin Keegan and David Seaman.

Rob Parker

Steven Gerrard's FA Cup Final kit

It would be good to see Steven Gerrard take the pitch at the Millenium Stadium dressed a bit like this today. I have a feeling he might be in his normal kit and throwing himself all over the place as usual though.

Don't forget the cotton wool around those metatarsals Stevie, and keep away from Trinidad and Tobago keeper Shaka Hislop!  FA Cup Final coverage starts at 1pm on BBC1.

Rob Parker

Wayne Rooney on a bike. It's madness, I tell you!

Wayne, please stop messing about on that mountain bike and get back in your oxygen tent! You're asking for trouble. What next, a photo of Roo bungie jumping? Apparently master Wayne is making 'very positive' progress in his bid to be fit for Germany. He looks happy enough, but there's a big difference between pulling a wheelie at Man Utd's training ground and nutmegging an Argentine defender in the World Cup final.

At last, a sensible look at Sven's crazy England squad

Our new blogger Stateside, Daryl, has posted an excellent, chalkboard-style analysis of Sven's bonkers England squad on his fine Soccer Weblog. Definitely worth a read on this lazy Friday afternoon (what else you gonna do… work?)

Rooney to face Sweden?

When Wayne Rooney limped out of the Chelsea match, so did our World Cup hopes. However, it seems that Roonaldo may be on the mend.

Football 365 report that Rooney "could be fit for England's World Cup group match against Sweden on June 20 after scans revealed that his broken foot was healing ahead of schedule."

Recent scans have apparently 'put Rooney and his doctors in good heart' and that, if the United striker present rate of recuperation is maintained, he will return almost two weeks ahead of initial forecasts.

Rooney has also apparently discarded his oxygen tent because it makes him feel ill. 'Rooney is known to be setting about his recovery work with a growing confidence that he can play a significant role for his country in Germany next month,' said a report in The Times.

While Rooney will certainly miss out on  England’s opening two group matches against Paraguay and Trinidad and Tobago, confidence is growing and he could hand the side a huge lift by returning to training in the first week of June.

There was more positive news when Newcastle reported that Michael Owen will return to full training next week after doctors reassured the striker that the bone in his broken foot had fully healed.

Something to cheer you up for the weekend eh?

[Mof Gimmers]

Alan Shearer bows out with emotional testimonial

Alan Shearer made his farewell appearance for Newcastle United last night in his testimonial match against Celtic.  The post-match presentations brought a lump to the throat as Big Al struggled to hold back the tears.  Newcastle won the match 3-2, with Shearer scoring a (scripted) last-minute winner from the penalty spot.

Referee Mark Clattenburg had almost spoilt the party though.  He got a bit carried away when last-man Peter Ramage brought down Shaun Maloney for a penalty.  Clattenburg was about to send Ramage off when he suddenly realised where he was and though better of it!

Sadly Shearer only played in one World Cup, but his performances at Euro 96 will live long in the memory.  He might even have been in the frame for this World Cup if he was fit.  Well Emile Heskey got a mention, didn't he?!

Here are 10 of Shearer's greatest Newcastle goals.

Rob Parker

Pub Debate: How should England line-up for the B international against Belarus?

The nation is gradually settling down to the idea of Sven's daring World Cup squad and it's now less than a fortnight until the B international against Belarus at Reading's Madejski Stadium.  How would you like to see England line-up?  Click below to see the Bratwurst XI.

GK: Robert Green (Only one cap to his name so far and needs experience)

DR: Owen Hargreaves (England look a little short at right-back so I'd like to see Hargreaves there)

CB: Jamie Carragher (Could play 45 minutes at right-back too, but is generally reliable anywhere)

CB: Sol Campbell (Unlikely to be in Sven's first XI and in the need of matches)

DL: Wayne Bridge (Another short of matches - could be swapped with Ashley Cole at half time)

MR: Aaron Lennon (Let's see the lad in an England shirt)

DM: Michael Carrick (A chance to show Sven whose the man if he needs a holding midfielder)

M: Nigel Reo-Coker (If he's still with the squad, or Jermaine Jenas if he is fit)

ML: Stewart Downing (Another who needs to get used to that England shirt)

ST: Theo Walcott (Show us what you're made of, kid!)

ST: Michael Owen (Give that man some matches)

Leave your starting line-up as a comment.

Rob Parker

Wayne Rooney has his cast removed

Wayne Rooney had his cast taken off yesterday, just 11 days after fracturing his metatarsal. Cue a frenzy about him being fully fit in time for the Paraguay game.

Actually, we've got Theo now. Might as well put Rooney in goal!

Rob Parker

Betting guide: Theo Walcott specials

Paddy Power is never slow to jump on the bandwagon offer tailor-made bets to punters, as its range of Theo Walcott specials proves. Click below to see what we make of their odds on young Theo…

T Walcott to score in the World Cup (excluding penalty shoot-outs) 2-1
Not exactly tempting value, particularly as Sven may play him on the wing.

T Walcott to play vs Paraguay on 10 June 5-2
Much more tempting bet. We know Sven likes to use his subs and his pace could prove crucial at the end of a match.

T Walcott to start against Paraguay on 10 June 12-1
Avoid this – unless England suffer several more unfortunate injuries, Walcott won't start.

T Walcott to score against Argentina in the World Cup 20-1
The chances of England meeting the old enemy are slim – let alone Walcott scoring a goal. No value here.

T Walcott to break one or more of his metatarsals in the World Cup 50-1
Doesn't bear thinking about…

So not a lot to tempt punters there – bet a few quid on Walcott to come on against Paraguay at 5-2, but otherwise keep your cash in your wallet.

The Strange Careers of Chelsea Left-Backs

It's not National John Terry Day, honestly (although that could be an idea).  It is purely coincidence that I found this excellent interview with the man himself from Sunday's Observer which is well worth a read.

The interview mentions Jon Harley, who actually broke into the Chelsea first-team before Terry but now plays for Burnley.  I thought I'd look at the strange careers of some of Chelsea's promising young left-backs of recent years.

Jon Harley

There was a time when it seemed Jon Harley (pictured above) would be the member of that particular group of Chelsea players (John Terry, Jody Morris et al) to really make it big.  He played 17 games in the 1999-2000 season at the age of 21 under Gianluca Vialli.  The following season he made a further 10 appearances but was also farmed out on loan to Wimbledon by Claudio Ranieri.

In the summer of 2001, Fulham boss Jean Tigana paid a whopping £3.5 million for Harley.  He never really settled at Craven Cottage, making just 19 league starts in three years and spending a large proportion of that time on loan at Sheffield United and West Ham.

He joined the Blades on a free transfer in 2004 and was almost an ever-present for a season.  He then moved on to mid-table Championship side Burnley - initially on loan and then permanently for £75,000 - at the start of this season.  He was recently voted the club's player of the season.

Danny Granville

Granville actually came through the ranks at Cambridge United and was 22 years old when Ruud Gullit paid £300,000 to take him to Stamford Bridge.  He won the European Cup Winners' Cup at the club, but found himself being overlooked in favour of Graeme Le Saux.  In 1998 he was flogged to Leeds for £1.6 million.

He made just seven starts in a little over a year at Elland Road before moving on to Manchester City for £1 million.  Again Granville found himself out of the first-team, but did manage 46 starts in his two years with City.

Granville's stock had halved when Crystal Palace paid £500,000 to secure his services in December 2001 (ah, the days before transfer windows).  He now seems to have settled at Selhurst Park, although fans accuse him of being a serial ball-watcher.

Scott Minto

The original young Chelsea left-back with a strange career (and a great name) was Scott Minto.  Minto - the chewy sweet that will keep your breath fresh for up to two hours - joined Chelsea in 1994 at the age of 23 from Charlton Athletic in a £775,000 deal.

He struggled with injuries but won the FA Cup in 1997.  As seems to be the norm, after that success he was promptly sold.  The move was to Benfica of all places where a presumably homesick Graeme Souness  decided to surround himself with British players.

He played 31 matches in his 18 months in Portugal before West Ham paid £1 million to bring him home.  Injuries again affected Minto's career.  He played 51 games for the Hammers, who did not renew his contact in 2003.  He then joined Rotherham, but has recently been released from Millmoor too.  Aged 34 and still struggling with injuries he is expected to retire.

Who knows what the future holds for Wayne Bridge?

Rob Parker

Rubbish John Terry lookalike

Rubbish England lookalikes - collect the whole set. Dean Oakley is a spotty chap apparently finds work as a John Terry lookalike.  He may have the right hairstyle and an England shirt on, but he's hardly a lookalike (actually he hasn't even got the hair right). 

In conclusion he is a John Terry lookalike because he has an England shirt on.  Dean's saving grace is that he actually looks a bit more like the real deal than the JT action figure.  There are three John Terry lookalikes available to book for your function from Fake Faces lookalikes agency.

Rob Parker

John Terry action figure

Is it me, or does this look f**k-all like John Terry? They should have given him more estate-agentish hair.

Rubbish Wayne Rooney lookalikes

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no… No.

Putting on an England shirt doesn't mean you look like Wayne, lads. On the rubbish-o-meter, these three 'lookalikes' go all the way up to 11. More terrible football lookalikes please…

Sven's folly? A few thoughts on the England squad

Where did that come from? Safe Sven, the Volvo of football managers, has turned into Sven the Gambler. But will his apparent recklessness pay off?

Sven's folly? A few thoughts on the England squad cont…

I'm convinced that a combination of the Fake Sheikh saga and Rooney's injury has forced his hand. It's as if he's said to himself, 'Oh, f**k it, I'm leaving the job in July, so what have I got to lose?' After a few hours to mull it over, here are a few observations on the 23-man squad:

1) Talk about a scapegoat – Owen Hargreaves is not that bad. How many of his English detractors watch him play for Bayern, day-in, day-out? Exactly. He's a solid utility player, with great speed and fitness, who can play in most positions. Stop slagging him off because everyone else does too.

2) Theo Walcott is a wildcard. Better to have a talented wildcard than a decent journeyman. Darren Bent is unlucky not to be on standby (instead of Andy Johnson), but when he did play for England he looked average. The World Cup is unique - it throws up Schillachis and Roger Millas and other players who do nothing outside of the tournament. Just because a player has a solid league season, doesn't mean he's world-class or that he'll perform in a knockout format. To me, Bent looked overawed in an England shirt. Whereas Walcott might, just might, be Sven's secret weapon.

3) Aaron Lennon is a good call. His brilliant form in 2006 meant that Sven had little option but to pick him. He excites me a lot and he clearly excites Sven too.

4) Sol Campbell is a lucky boy. On current form, Sol doesn't deserve to get anywhere near the 23-man squad. That said, he's a class act and has never let us down in a major tournament. If his confidence returns, he can still be a force.

5) Where did it all go wrong for Sean Wright-Phillips? SWP looked sharp when he came on against Uruguay and we know he's a great player. Personally, I'd have taken SWP instead of Jenas, who I think is overrated.

Overall, a fascinating selection. Based on the make-up of the squad, I predict Sven's starting XI against Paraguay will be as follows:

P Robinson
------------
G Neville
A Cole
J Terry
R Ferdinand
------------
M Carrick
S Gerrard
F Lampard
D Beckham
J Cole
------------
M Owen

The Bratwurst Pickle: Does Sven Goran Eriksson read Who Ate All The Bratwurst?

We can't pretend that some of Sven's squad decisions did not come as a surprise even to us wily Bratwurst types. That's not to say they were wrong, but they came as a shock from the usually conservative Swede.

But what struck us is the similarities between some of our suggestions and the provisional England squad. Is Sven a secret Bratwurst lurker?

Theo Walcott and Darren Bent

Bratwurst said:

"I really hope Sven gambles on Theo Walcott, rather than Darren Bent, who I doubt at the highest level - imagine if Brazil hadn't gambled on a 17-year-old Pele."

and:

"Theo Walcott is the outsider of the outsiders, but his name is still being put forward in some quarters.  Although he has yet to play for Arsenal, Walcott made a big impression while in Southampton.  Still only 17 years old he is an undoubted talent, but might be considered too similar to Jermain Defoe."

Sven decided: Walcott is similar to Defoe, but he prefers Walcott.  He too seems to doubt Bent at international level.

Aaron Lennon

Bratwurst said:

"With Dyer sidelined, Kieran Richardson, Michael Carrick, Jermaine Jenas (spit) and maybe, on recent form, even Aaron Lennon have pushed him down the pecking order."

Sven decided: Lennon had indeed forced himself up the pecking order on recent form.

Shaun Wright Phillips

Bratwurst said:

"Wright Phillips, meanwhile, has largely been used as a substitute at Chelsea... calls for him to replace David Beckham on the right-side of midfield have become a lot quieter since he left Eastlands."

Sven decided: Wright Phillips had not played enough and was eclipsed by Lennon's form.

Stewart Downing and Kieran Richardson

Bratwurst said:

[Downing] has an outside chance of making the England squad.  You would imagine that it is a straight race between Kieran Richardson and Downing to go along as Joe Cole's understudy.  Personally I'd go for Downing, but it is still nice to have two left-footed young Englishmen vying for a place.

Sven decided: Richardson out, Downing in.

Owen Hargreaves

Bratwurst said:

"Being a jack of some trades, master of none is more likely to earn you a trip to Germany than any amount of skill... I'd say that the English/Canadian/German has a good chance of making the 22."

Sven decided: Hargreaves's versatility is the order of the day.

Rob Parker

England's squad announced: Sven turns into risk-taker, picking Walcott and Lennon!

Theo Walcott!!! Just four strikers and no Darren Bent or Jermain Defoe! No Sean Wright-Phillips! Aaron Lennon! No Ledley King! Owen Hargreaves! Sven has ditched his conservative image and taken chances by selecting a fast, attacking squad. Good on him. Click below to see the full squad…

GK: Paul Robinson, David James, Rob Green

DF: Gary Neville, Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Sol Campbell, Wayne Bridge, Jamie Carragher

MD: David Beckham, Michael Carrick, Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, Stewart Downing, Jermaine Jenas, Owen Hargreaves, Aaron Lennon, Joe Cole

FW: Michael Owen, Wayne Rooney, Peter Crouch, Theo Walcott

An attractive, attacking squad, I think. Well done Sven for taking a chance on Walcott.

England's squad: the Bratwurst 23

At 2pm this afternoon, England boss Sven-Goran Eriksson will announce his 23-man squad for Germany '06. I'm wet-the-bed excited. Pundits seem to think he'll be fairly conservative. In the interests of heated pub debate, here are the 23 players that Bratwurst would take to Deutschland…

England's squad: the Bratwurst 23 cont…

GOALKEEPERS
Who: Paul Robinson, Scott Carson, Robert Green
Why: Robinson is England's No.1 by a mile - pray he doesn't get injured early in the World Cup or we really are shafted. I don't see any benefit in taking David James – as we saw again at the weekend, he makes far too many mistakes to play at international level. Rob Green is a talented keeper but I rate Liverpool's young Carson much higher.

DEFENDERS
Who: Rio Ferdinand, Ashley Cole, John Terry, Gary Neville, Jamie Carragher, Ledley King, Sol Campbell, Kieron Richardson
Why: An area of undisputed strength. Our back four is written in stone: Cole (great to see him fit again), Ferdinand, Terry, Neville. After that there's lots of cover, although Sol Campbell's shaky form worries me and Sven must consider Carragher above him in the pecking order. I don't rate Wayne Bridge as international class and so would take the immensely talented/fearless Kieron Richardson as a utility defender/midfielder.

MIDFIELDERS
Who: David Beckham (capt), Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Michael Carrick, Sean Wright-Phillips, Stewart Downing
Why: It gave me great heart to type the names of England's midfield squad members and reassured me that we'll be OK in Germany. Becks, Stevie G, Lamps, Joe Cole – these are four world-class midfielders in their prime (well, Becks may be a couple of years past his best, but he'll want to make up for his injury-troubled World Cup in 2002). Boro's Downing has to travel – although he won't get much playing time, injuries permitting – and so he gets the nod ahead of Jermaine Jenas.

FORWARDS
Who: Michael Owen, Wayne Rooney, Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe, Theo Walcott
Why: Oh dear. If Owen and Rooney were 100 percent fit, then we have a first XI to rival anyone in the world (including Brazil) – but they're not, so we have to accept that against Paraguay Sven will probably start with an 85 percent-fit Owen and Peter Crouch. I like Crouch and he confused the hell out of Uruguay when he came on in that friendly earlier in the year, but he's no Roo. I really hope Sven gambles on Theo Walcott, rather than Darren Bent, who I doubt at the highest level - imagine if Brazil hadn't gambled on a 17-year-old Pele. I'd also put Robbie Fowler on standby (not Bent) because he's in good form and is still the best English finisher in the game. Am also praying daily that oxygen tents actually work miracles.

What say you? Agree/Disagree?

10 Strikers who should be called up for England ahead of Emile Heskey

In a last-ditch attempt to stop Sven naming Emile Heskey in his provisional England squad tomorrow, Bratwurst have put forward 10 players that should be picked ahead of Heskey.  The list presumes that a fit Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen, Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe and Darren Bent have booked their place already.

1. Dean Ashton has scored goals wherever he has played.  He has made a successful return to the Premiership after joining West Ham in January.  He is currently carrying an injury but is expected to be fit for the FA Cup final on Saturday.

2. If Michael Owen is unfit for the World Cup, natural goalscorers will be thin on the ground.  Robbie Fowler is one of the best in the business.  He has never found his top form for England, but has been out of the frame since 2002.  At 31 maybe he will finally find his feet at international level.

3. Andy Johnson must be kicking himself.  Last season the serial penalty winner would have been in the thick of it if an attacking crisis had occurred for England.  A season of Championship football has seen Johnson fall out of favour with Eriksson.  He has only scored 14 goals this season, but like Fowler knows how to find the net.

4. If Sven is considering picking Heskey because of a lack of bulk then why not take Kevin Davies along.  Although slightly shorter and lighter than Heskey, Davies has the advantage of occasionally being able to keep his footing under a challenge.  An excellent target-man should Sven need an alternative.

5. Darius Vassell has not played particularly well for Manchester City this season.  Then again even when he wasn't playing well for Aston Villa he always excelled for England.  Another former Sven fave who has fallen out of favour.

6. James Beattie has only won five caps for England.  He has overcome injury problems that had threatened to ruin his time at Everton and has started to find the net once again.  Now aged 28, Beattie needs to make an impact now if he is to make an impression for England.

7. A player who has not been touted for England as much as he might have been is West Ham's Marlon Harewood.  Harewood has improved his game to adapt successfully to the Premier League and has succeeded.  Darren Bent has forced his way into the England setup on the basis of his  goals this season, and Harewood might follow with his 16 goals.

8. Another West Ham striker who is an outside possibility is Bobby Zamora.  Zamora had lost his way a little since joining Spurs with high expectations.  However, he has regained his form this season and has scored 11 goals despite not always being a first-choice.

9. Shola Ameobi is equally as capable of falling over as Emile Heskey but scores more goals.  The former England Under-21 striker seems to have come of age this season having been called upon to lead the line in the absence of Shearer and Owen.

10. Theo Walcott is the outsider of the outsiders, but his name is still being put forward in some quarters.  Although he has yet to play for Arsenal, Walcott made a big impression while in Southampton.  Still only 17 years old he is an undoubted talent, but might be considered too similar to Jermain Defoe.

Rob Parker

Sven set to put Emile Heskey on World Cup standby

England have found the man to replace Wayne Rooney if he is unfit for the World Cup.  That's the good news, the bad news is it's Emile Heskey.  The Daily Mirror reports that Heskey, fresh from relegation with Birmingham City, will be named as a standby player when Sven Goran Eriksson announces his provisional squad on Monday.  Heskey has 43 caps for England (scandalous), scoring just five goals - the same number of goals he has managed to score for the Blues this season.

Rob Parker

Steve McClaren vs Mike Baldwin

The soaptastic Corrieblog asks, quite rightly, is new England manager Steve McClaren (pictured, left) Mike Baldwin in disguise? I've never seen them together in the same room. Very suspicious…

Trinidad and Tobago keeper eyes an upset

Trinidad and Tobago goalkeeper Kelvin Jack has told the official World Cup website that he is expecting to pull off shock results in Germany. Jack, who plays in Scotland for Dundee, said: 'England, Sweden and Paraguay might have the stars, but it's still just 11 v 11 and, if we get it tactically right, which I'm sure we will, we can definitely cause an upset.'

England might have the stars, but unfortunately most of them are in the physio room (or the oxygen tent), so Kelvin might be right. Click here to read the full article.
Rob Parker

Surprise, surprise, Steve McClaren will succeed Sven as England manager

Steve McClaren has just arrived at FA headquarters and will shortly be announced as the next England manager at the obligatory press conference. Yaaaaaaaawn. How do all the Boro fans out there feel about this? Disappointed? Let us know who you'd like to succeed him.

What else can go wrong for England before the World Cup?

I came across a great post from Canada's entertaining Footie Girl on this very subject. She supports both Liverpool and Man Utd – controversial and against the unwritten code of football supporters, but as she points out, 'I don't care'. Can't argue with that really.

Steve McClaren for England

Oh, if anyone's interested, it looks like Steve McClaren, Bratwurst's favourite National Express coach driver and Britain's oldest 44-year-old, will be the next England manager. Ho hum.

Rooney needs a 'miracle'

It's been confirmed by Sven Goran-Eriksson that Wayne Rooney has multiple fractures in his right foot and will need a 'miracle' if he is to feature for England in Germany. Man Utd have offered a glimmer of hope by saying that Roo is still just six weeks away from training, but I think the game's up. Peter Crouch, come on down!

Rooney's World Cup dreams shattered?

According to The Sun, hospital scans of Roo's foot have apparently revealed that there are multiple fractures in his right foot, rather then just one. If this is true, Rooney will be out for months, not weeks. Better start devising that Plan B, Sven.

This is just dreadful news for the player himself. And like all England fans, I'm gutted too - however, I still believe we have a good enough team to go far in Germany. Our midfield and defence are among the best in the tournament, and Michael Owen is well on the road to recovery… Oh, who am I kidding, we're shafted.

Classic World Cup Moments: Gazza's tears, 1990

Poor, red-faced Gazza. He looks as if he's just heard the Crazy Frog World Cup song, or, almost as bad, found out he won't be able to play in the final of the world's biggest sporting event. There's not a lot that hasn't been said about Paul Gascoigne and Italia 90, but I will add that I still enjoy watching Gary Lineker's mouthed 'have a word' to the England bench. Mr Walkers Crisps, you could have made a great manager. Like I said, there's not a lot else to say about Gazza, except that he was one of the best players at that World Cup, along with Lothar Mattheus.

Petition: delay the World Cup until Wayne Rooney's metatarsal has healed

Some wag has started a petition to postpone the World Cup until Rooney is fit again. Good idea, though I don't think Sepp Blatter will see things the same way.

Who-ney?

We won't miss Rooney one bit will we? (Goes and sobs)

Mof Gimmers

Ashcroft for England!

See this fella here? Richard Ashcroft? He used to sing for The Verve. Well, imagine seeing this lanky streak of urine gangling toward you – what would you do? You'd snap him in two, then he'd write a mournful album about it.

Well, this may well be happening as Richie will be playing in a charity match called 'Legends' which will see famous English people take on famous Germans.

For all the info, see Richard Ashcroft's official site, or better still, go see the Cancer research/Bobby Moore fund page for details. Get involved!

Mof Gimmers

Rooney can be replaced

FIFA has confirmed that Wayne Rooney can be replaced up until 24 hours before England's first World Cup match, against Paraguay on 10 June. Sven has to announce his 23-man squad by 15 May, but FIFA's system means it's almost certain that Sven will gamble and both Roo and Michael Owen will be in that list of 23 players.

Alex Ferguson, meanwhile, says it's barmy that Sven is even considering taking Rooney. Fergie has a vested interest but I have to say I agree – face facts, Roo won't be fit for Germany. It sucks, yes, but it's the way it is.

Holland for England

A couple of wacky, Beckham-loving Dutch guys, Marco and Marko, emailed me about their website, Holland for England. I can't figure out if they're for real – in which case cheers for supporting us this summer – or if they're a couple of actors doing bad Dutch accents. Pay them a visit and see what you think.

Phoenix From The Flames!

This is a European Championship moment, rather than a World Cup one, but it's worth posting anyway. Click here to see Baddiel and Skinner's amusing take on Gary McAllister's missed penalty against England at Euro '96 – featuring David 'Safe Hands' Seaman as himself.
Rob Parker

Cole to the left of me, Owen to the right, here I am stuck in hospital with a metatarsal injury

Ashley Cole, Michael Owen, Ledley King and now, most damaging of all, Wayne Rooney have succumbed to the curse of the metatarsal. A shocking weekend for England fans, but at least England assistant coach Tord Grip is kidding himself being optimistic: 'Rooney may be out for five or six weeks,' he says. 'That might mean he only misses the first match.' Tord, hang on a minute, experts are saying it's six weeks minimum, so how can you conveniently knock a week off his recovery schedule…

Cole to the left of me, Owen to the right, here I am stuck in hospital with a metatarsal injury cont…

This blind faith reminds me exactly of how a nation conned itself into thinking David Beckham would be fit for the last World Cup. Becks conned himself too. Beckham's lack of fitness meant he couldn't track back and cover Ronaldinho for Brazil's equaliser in the quarter final.

People who say they'd still take Rooney to Germany even if he's only 80 percent fit are idiots:

a) This is the World Cup, not a kickabout for a Nike advert.
b) Roo is more likely to do long-term damage to himself if he plays and he's not totally fit. He's only 20, for God's sake.
c) Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, John Terry, Frank Lampard, Paul Robinson, David Beckham, Rio Ferdinand… when was the last time England could boast seven world-class players in its squad? Even without mentioning Michael Owen and Ashley Cole (and both will probably be fit by June), we have a very good bunch of players. They'll want to 'Do it for Roo' as well – as I'm sure the red-tops will remind us constantly.

Chin up, plucky Englanders. It's not the end of the World (Cup)…

The Bratwurst pickle: How do you replace Wayne Rooney?

With England facing the possibility of a group stage or even World Cup without Wayne Rooney or Michael Owen, how would you replace them?  Peter Crouch and Jermain Defoe together?  Crouch and Darren Bent?  Or put an extra man in midfield - Michael Carrick or even David Beckham - giving Joe Cole and perhaps Shaun Wright Phillips the right to roam?

Rob Parker

Rooney's injured. F**k

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

That's ruined my frickin' weekend. Cheers, Paulo Ferreira - England has now been shafted by the Portuguese national coach and their right back, in the space of two days. The one ray of light is that Roo is reported to have boarded the Man U team coach after the match, so hopefully it's not a World Cup-threatening injury. Oh, and well done Chelsea. Can't argue with the league table.

The man from Brazil, he say NO!

Say it ain't so! Big Phil has apparently ruled himself out as Sven's successor: "The English FA is going to choose a name. My name isn't one of them because I'm closing this matter.' Maybe it was the '20 reporters outside my house' that made Scolari change his mind?

I laughed out loud when I read Big Sam's comments about how the England manager's race was still wide open – but now I wonder what inside information Big Sam was party to, 'cause he clearly knew something we didn't.

Big Sam vs Big Phil vs the FA

Even though it's widely thought that Big Phil Scolari is a dead cert for the job, Big Sam is not giving up: 'As far as I am concerned, all those who have been interviewed for a second time should all feel as though they are still in with a shout. We all want a final, definitive decision to be made but, as the FA have said, the process is still progressing. They are still finding out the way they want to go and who they want to select.'

Do I sense an Oliver Reed vs Alan Bates, Women In Love-style naked wrestle to settle the matter?

The FA have said all along that they would take as much time as necessary to get the right man. Many observers now believe that the situation needs to be brought to a 'swift conclusion', especially 'given the mass of rumours which have filled the void left by the absence of genuine fact' [Football 365]

Allardyce is quick to agree with the sentiment, although he does expect to hear the final verdict from Brian Barwick himself, rather than by picking up a tabloid.

'One way or the other, you would hope to be told by the FA,' Sam said. 'You would not want to find out you either had, or had not, got the job by picking up the papers.… I have no reaction to what has been reported because there has been no official statement. Until I get that official call from Brian Barwick or whoever, I am not at liberty to comment.'

He also added that 'I don't want to get into trouble with the FA, so for a change, I'm keeping my mouth shut on this one!'

Mof Gimmers

I [heart] Big Phil too!

Ok, it may be a little bit premature, but it looks like Big Gene Hackman is going to be leading the England side in the next European Championships.

Why not show your love for the big guy with one of these snazzy 365 T Shirts?

[mofgimmers]

Big Gene Scolari will be next England manager. Your heard it here first (possibly)

BREAKING NEWS Gene Hackman-lookalike Big Phil Scolari has, according to the BBC, been offered the England manager's job. FA chief exec Brian Barwick is out in Lisbon at the moment finalising Scolari's contract.

So, another foreign manager! Actually, I like Big Phil a lot and his track record is superb - but it will be interesting to see – if the Beeb are right – why Martin O'Neill wasn't chosen… bit of a smack in the teeth for all English-born managers too.

Matthaus tips England to knock out Germany

Here at WaatB?, there is only one thing we love more than the thought of an England World Cup victory and that's the thought of Lothar Matthaus losing sleep over a possible England World Cup victory. Oh happy day!  Click here to read about Matthaus's fears.

Rob Parker

The Bratwurst pickle: should Gene Hackman replace Sven?

He was good in The Royal Tenenbaums and great in The French Connection, but can Big Gene Scolari control Wayne Rooney's gambling habit? The FA seems to think so, although Big Gene has cannily denied ever meeting with them, despite getting permission from the Portuguese FA to do so. Turnip Taylor calls it a 'shambles', but I wasn't sure if he was referring to the recruitment of the new England manager, or his time in charge of the national team. Two words: Andy Sinton.

What say you, dear readers… Is Big Gene really a better option than Big Sam, or Little Alan, or Psycho Stuart or even National Express-coach driver Steve?

See Sven Squirm

An interview with England coach Sven Goran Eriksson will be shown on the ITV News tonight.  On the clip I have seen, Sven is asked about the Fake Sheikh scandal and looks a bit uncomfortable in his seat.  If you want to see if ice-cool Sven gets hot under the collar or hear his latest thoughts on the World Cup watch tonight 10.30pm, ITV.

Rob Parker

Search for England boss - Farce

The blazers at Lancaster Gate are something else aren't they?

The hunt for the new top dog of the England side has, according to a Daily Mirror report, crashed and burned into a farcical sham.

With 'Big Phil' Scolari hot fave for the job of England manager, the FA ready to delay an announcement until after the World Cup.

The Mirror report that the former Brazil manager has emerged as the new favourite but made it clear to the Football Association he will not take the